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TAWANDA!

TAWANDA!

 

I miss my eyesight

I miss my strength

I miss my blonde hair

No matter the length

 

I miss my firm & supple skin

I miss my perky breast

I miss my sleek & muscular legs

Underneath my dress

 

I miss wearing killer heels

And being six feet tall

I miss being fearless

And unafraid to fall

 

I miss sneezing without peeing

I miss doing a flip

I miss eating what I want

And then just letting one rip!

 

I miss knowing everything

Especially what I forgot

I don’t even know how much

But I know that it’s a lot!

 

I miss my speed & agility

I miss my sturdy step

I miss dancing until dawn

But not my ex, the schlep!

 

They say that I am wiser now

I really hope that’s true

Now, tell once again, my dear

From where do I know you?

 

So, when you see me pass you by

And you think, “Oh how sad”

Remember your turn’s coming

And you’ll want a nap real bad!

 

I didn’t always look this way

In fact, they said, “You’re hot!”

But every rose must fade away

No need to be a snot.

 

I’ve had dreams & lovers too

I’ve had everything you do

In a blink it passed me by

And it will pass you too

 

Before you judge by what you see

Before you think me useless

You must know one simple thing

In fact, my dear, you’re clueless

 

You look great, you really do

But that don’t mean a thing

‘Cause I know what’s in store for you

I’ve seen what life can bring

 

Before looking down your nose at me

Or thinking you’re the best

Get down off of your high horse

Just give that beast a rest!

 

I can tell you stories, girl

Or debate the cons and pros

I know all ’bout aches and pains

And I know all ’bout woes.

 

I can argue the inconsequential

Be stubborn as an ox

And insist to you it’s monumental

Then put all my teeth in a box!

 

I can tell that you’re impatient

And then take my sweet time

Just to spite your attitude

Life is so sublime!

 

I’ve got nothing else to do

I hope you have endurance

I don’t have that much to lose

And I have more insurance!

 

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The Waning Mother

It was a normal, sunny day;

Buying groceries, as routine.

In mid-stride stopped, right in the isle;

This day was now pristine.

 

It wasn’t written in black and white;

Or a line of pink or blue.

It flashed in my head as I grabbed my stomach;

Somehow, I just knew.

 

That you were there, and we’d soon meet;

And I trusted it was true.

I whispered, “hello” and smiled inside.

And in my belly, you grew.

 

Instinctive, primal, this inner knowing;

A message; no words spoken.

Soon, we would meet face to face;

We made a pact, unbroken.

 

I told myself, “Remember this.”

This moment you came to be.

Now, snap shots, blurry, in my head

My mind plays tricks on me.

 

I was selfish and told no one.

This moment belongs to me.

The knowing of a mother who knows;

And child that’s yet to be.

 

You told me you would be a girl;

Bows, frills, and dresses flowing.

I agreed and waited patiently;

To see your sweet eyes glowing.

 

I’d wait to hear your tinkling laugh;

For you to ask me “why?”

For your first tooth, and steps, and prom;

Your heart stolen by some guy.

 

I saw the visions in my head,

Of how perfectly it would go.

You would be the sunshine;

That in each day would flow.

 

I knew I’d nurse and burp you;

Have vomit in my hair.

I knew that I’d lose precious sleep;

And still, I did not care.

 

I whispered “I love you” down to you;

And promises, hoped to keep.

I’d sing you songs and lullabies;

And rock you to sweet sleep.

 

I’d teach you to walk, to ride a bike;

And how to write your name.

I’d show you the wonders of the world

And teach you a new game.

 

You kicked my ribs and punched my bladder;

I welcomed you into the light.

I held you close, up to my heart;

You were a glorious sight.

 

And I did teach you to walk one day.

I taught you how to swim.

I watched you run and play and cry.

I watched you lose and win.

 

I kissed skinned knees and tiny fingers.

I walked with you and held your hand.

My heart would melt when you’d cry “mommy”

This, a child can’t understand.

 

A child can’t know that when it cries;

A mom’s breast will stream milk.

Only a mother sees it

That we are the same ilk.

 

A connection, biological;

A bond that goes too far.

Each type of cry, a mother knows

Each face, each look, each scar.

 

But life is hard, and that’s just life.

And you grow up to see;

Mom’s not a goddess, nor a queen;

She has flaws and insecurities.

 

Mom’s not always there to save you;

Mom might let you down.

Mom just might be Humpty Dumpty.

Mom fell and broke her crown.

 

Mom might break your heart one day;

And you would break hers too.

Mom would no longer have all the answers;

To pass on down to you.

 

Mom can’t hide the world is broken;

And that she’s broken too.

With broken people all around us,

We take on a tainted view.

 

The fears and doubts; resentments rise;

Assumptions, and guessing at fact.

Two grown women, yet two young girls;

Neither sure how to act.

 

“You’re not my mother! I hate you, too!”

You scream, you cry, you shout.

She says, “Well, I still love you.”

But you have shut her out.

 

Or maybe you point a finger at her;

All the times she let you down.

You don’t see what really eats at you;

Is that she’s lost her crown.

 

Your moon, your bright pearl in the sky;

Her perfection waxed and waned.

The seas crashed around you because of her;

And now she must be blamed.

 

But can the moon in fact be blamed;

For not reflecting light?

When light is hidden from her face;

And she reflects but the dark night?

 

Is it because she didn’t love you?

Is it because she’s lost?

You squeeze more tightly to your dream;

Of perfect mom; all cost!

 

But your dear mom, she is not perfect;

She can’t meet all your needs.

She can’t rock you to sleep anymore,

Or kiss on your bruised knees.

 

She can’t tell by your cry what you need;

You don’t let her see you cry.

She can’t soothe you after a bad dream;

Or sing you a lullaby.

 

And yet, part of you still wants her to;

Even though you’re all but grown.

And you regret that you grew up;

If the truth be known.

 

You resent the veil lifted from your eyes;

That when you said, “Let go;” she did.

But she was always there watching and waiting;

In case to her, “come,” you bid.

 

Like riding a bike, she knew it must be;

Hold on, let go, and wait.

Run up to console and help her back on;

And keep going through the hate.

 

The pain of losing the dream is real;

You know you’re not to blame.

But how to let dreams go and love;

When you don’t feel the same?

 

When what you wanted, she had not to give;

From within her or without.

“I want my mommy back!” your inner child cries;

And you just want to shout.

 

And she lies in her bed herself at night;

And cries and has bad dreams.

And remembers her own mother whisper;

Nothing is as it seems.

 

I am still here my precious one;

I’ve been here all along.

To listen, to hope, and pray for you;

To delight in your heart’s song.

 

I’ve never stopped whispering “I love you”

Into the starry skies.

I’ve never stopped caring, or loving you;

Or singing you lullabies.

 

And I still wait, as I watch you fly;

In case you are in need.

I know you don’t believe it;

But I feel it when you bleed.

 

And in my mind, I still rock you to sleep;

And see you smile up at me.

I still see you running into my arms;

At the mere sight of me.

 

And I remember you in my womb that day;

When you whispered, “Mom, I’m here.”

And I put my hand upon my belly;

And shed a happy tear.

 

Yes, things have changed as you have grown.

But, be careful little eyes what you see.

For nothing is truly is as it seems;

When it comes to you and me.

 

The light of the moon, it comes and goes;

But she is always there.

And as she’s able, you know she will;

More of her light she’ll share.

 

All is not lost my darling child.

The tide will ebb and flow.

If you remember to see beyond;

The thinks you think you know.

 

You see a queen who’s lost her crown;

You see a broken dream.

I see a day in a grocery store;

And all that it could mean.

 

Why I Divorced Your Dad: Is Exposing “the Sins of the Father” Okay?

I am fighting with one of my daughters. Again. This is nothing new. It has been going on for years. And quite possibly, as so many times before; all three of them will decide that I am the equivalent of a succubus who has all but siphoned everything good out of them and ruined their life. They will start calling and/or texting each other and saying God knows what; and they will all be mad at me for something they had decided is a Federal Offense and I should be given the Lethal Injection for.  I will be disowned, shunned, blocked on social media and not spoken to for weeks, months, even years, despite my attempts to patch things up; until they decide I have sufficiently suffered for telling them no, having to work, not having any PTO, not having any money, not reading their minds and knowing they would needs something, having my own life, and basically not performing like the circus monkey they seem to think I am.

Today, it’s because I haven’t done my tax returns yet. Yep. You guessed it. I am now not a NORMAL person, and have let my daughter down; just like I “ALWAYS do.”

Why would this be such a big deal? You might ask. Well, I’m not exactly sure, to be honest with you. She texted me and said she needed to do her FAFSA for fall and needed my tax return ASAP. I texted back and told her I had not done them yet. What I get back is, “Oh great….guess I’m not going to school then.”   But I’m not supposed to take that in a bad light whatsoever.  It means nothing, and she hasn’t said ANYTHING wrong.  I tell her that I had no way of knowing she was going to need them, and she gave me no notice, and I can’t just pull one out of thin air. To which I am told, “excuse me for assuming that you would do your taxes like any other normal person.”

Great. Now I have not only thwarted her potential and crushed her dreams of going back to school, but I am also not normal.

So, I tell her that I have until the 17th to file my taxes this year and so I fail to see how I have done anything wrong, and she decides to tell me “Whatever mom. Not gonna argue with you like I’m the f*cking bad guy or something.”

It continues to go downhill like lava from a newly erupted volcano from there. Burning everything within it’s path, covering it with the heat of a nuclear bomb, then solidifying over it to ensure it never lives again.

I tell her that there’s still plenty of time for her to get ready for fall, and that the problem can be fixed if she would stop being so dramatic about it. Of course, that was a HORRIBLE thing for me to say. How dare I tell her she is being dramatic about something. I tell her that she is acting like I had my taxes done, but was just refusing to give them to her and she needed to back the hell up. To this, I get, ‘Great way to talk to your kid.” And then the SUPER great stuff starts.

I try to call her and of course she doesn’t answer so I leave a voice mail telling her that this is a problem that can be fixed if she would just calm down and talk to me, but I was not going to be told how it was my fault she can’t go back to school in the fall over something that was out of my control. To call me back.

She texts me and says she not willing to talk to me because she’s not in the mood to be bitched at for nothing. That every time she asks me for something it turns into this bullsh*t and all she did was ask for my taxes and say okay guess I’m not going to school then. That it was ME who went off on her, and that I always talk to them like they are just some f*cking kids, but not mine though.  (Her words, not mine.)

It doesn’t get any better. She says I can’t help her because I haven’t filed, so she will just figure it out on her own like she always does, and she is sorry she has inconvenienced me.

This is the way it pretty much always goes with them. Especially my two youngest. There is this disappointment because I haven’t been able to come through for them in some way or given them what they wanted- which I already feel bad about; and then there is this lashing out at me for being a horrible mother, never being there for them, and being selfish, and anything else you can imagine. And the crummy part is it’s usually over something that is out of my control. But they don’t care.   They believe I could have done something if I really wanted to, I guess. Like magically pull tax returns out of my back side. Or not be sick. Or not be broke, or not having to work with no more PTO left. Whatever it is that I don’t do and they think I should; it turns into how I am a horrible mother who was never there for them. Every. Single. Time.

And every single time, I have felt like I was just slapped in the face, punched in the gut, and then kicked repeatedly after I was dropped to the ground. By my own kids. And every single time, I have wondered why they would act this way or say such hateful things to me. What have I done wrong?

Oh, I am not going to win any Mother of the Year awards. Let’s just get that out of the way right now. I’ve made mistakes and there are things I wish I had done differently. But to be met with this kind of contempt and hatred time after time for not doing what they thought I should? I just don’t understand it. But I have always had a pretty good inkling that a lot of this was because of their father.

I have three beautiful girls. I love them very much, I might add. The oldest is from my first marriage to my high school…addiction. I say that because I was literally obsessed with him, and was bound and determined to have him, no matter how crappy he treated me. And believe me, he treated me crappy. The man was an alcoholic, who was also addicted to pot (and used other drugs from time to time) and saw nothing wrong with cheating on me or abusing me mentally, emotionally, or physically. Our oldest daughter was born with some difficulties and flown to another state for newborn intensive care, and was fighting for her life for four months (the first time) in said hospital.  After about 3 to 3 1/2 months of her being there, he showed up with a hickey on his neck after being away in our home town for a week. It was at that moment that I decided that it was one thing for him to treat me like crap for the past three years we had been together; but he was not going to be allowed to treat that baby girl like crap too. I divorced him.

I married the youngest girls’ dad when my oldest was about five years old. He seemed like a dream come true. I had struggled and floundered for years trying to make a life for me and my daughter and had gone from one bad relationship to another. Barely scraping by, and living on welfare for a while, because she was considered disabled and needed my total care. I couldn’t work and give her the care she needed too. She had to be hooked up to IVs every night, she had an NG tube in her nose all day long for drip feeds. Life was hard. Her dad came around to see her from time to time. Mostly, he was interested in partying. He almost never paid me the measly $200 a month in child support he was ordered to pay me. So, when this new man came along and seemed to love me despite my struggles and all my flaws, it truly was like I had been rescued by Prince Charming.

After dating for a little over a year, we got married.  Within a few short months after we married, he was offered a job promotion that would move us all the way from Wyoming to Roswell, New Mexico. I was a little leery of this in the beginning. My first husband was a Marine, and had drug me from Wyoming to California. I didn’t know anyone, I had no one for support, and nowhere to go when he decided to get abusive with me. My parents were all the way back in Wyoming and the phone was ok, but not the same as me being able to leave. It felt very much like I was trapped out there with a monster.

But, my second husband didn’t really drink and gave no indication that he would ever treat me that way. So, I went with him to New Mexico willingly and gladly, to start a new life. Things went very well at first. He adopted my oldest, and we had another little girl within the first couple of years. A few years later, we had our youngest. About the time we moved there, I also found out I was pregnant.  Once we got all settled in and situated, I started looking for a job.  This would prove to be an arduous task that never yielded any results.  I was visibly showing quickly, and they all knew that I would be needing maternity leave within just a handful of months after they hired me.  They just weren’t interested. It was so discouraging. After the baby was born, (a little girl) we talked about how expensive it would be to pay daycare and how practically all of my paycheck would go to the daycare; so it wasn’t even really worth it for me to work. I was still young and didn’t have a lot of work experience under my belt. It wasn’t like I was going to find a job that paid over minimum wage. He told me that he had always hoped that when he got married his wife wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to; and that he was fine with me being a stay at home mom. I agreed that these were our children and that we should raise them. Not a daycare. I wanted my kids to grow up with my morals, my beliefs, and my comfort, care, and understanding. Not some strangers. It was best for them the whole way around.

We made a lot of sacrifices to do that. There were plenty of times money was so tight, I would cry. I would sit down every two weeks and pay the bills and then whatever was left was used to buy groceries. And a lot of times, it wasn’t very much. I decided that nursing was best for my kids back with my first born. It was a good thing, because there was no way we could have been able to afford formula and food for ourselves too.  I bought cloth diapers and a diaper pail and we found a used clothes washer to wash them with. There was no way we could afford Pampers, or any cheaper derivative thereof, either. I often bought powdered milk to mix in with regular milk, so it wouldn’t taste so bad, but it would still go further. I would buy chickens whole and cut them up myself because they were cheaper if you bought them whole. I would make a meal with the chicken and then save every single scrap to use in a stew or to make chicken and noodles with for supper the next night. We ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, and hamburger helper and there was nothing extra. It was pretty hard. Dealing with the money issues was a challenge, but we were getting by. I honestly don’t know how we managed through some situations, but we did.

My husband was an assistant manager at the Alco store. He was required to work six days a week and was easily putting in 50-60 hours each week to boot. There was no way he could get a second job. So, we made do.

We almost never fought at first. He was always what I thought was supportive of me and never gave me a hard time about anything. I did all the cooking and the cleaning and taking care of the children. I considered that to be my “job.”   I was the one who got up with the babies to feed them in the middle of the night, because I knew he had to get up and go to work the next morning. I could always sneak in a nap the same time they took one if I had to. The house was always clean, the meals were always prepared, the kids were always taken care of and clean, and the laundry done-with his work clothes ironed and pressed and hanging in the closet for him. He never had to lift a finger to help; nor did I expect him to. Rarely did he offer, either.

But after a while…things just changed. When our second oldest was a still a baby, I needed to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things we needed. My husband wasn’t real thrilled with the idea of me leaving the kids with him while I went to the store; but I convinced him I could get it done faster if they stayed with him. So, he reluctantly agreed. I never did that again.

When I got home he was furious with me. “What took you so long?!” He shouted. “She cried the whole time you were gone, and I couldn’t make her stop because she doesn’t know me!”

So how is it my fault she doesn’t know you? How is your relationship with your daughter my responsibility?

Whatever. I just took the kids with me from that point on if I needed to go anywhere. But there were these little things that would always upset me. Like how he would come home from work on a hot day, and take his trousers off in the living room and then leave them there in the floor (or flung across the back of the couch) as he went upstairs to put on a pair of shorts. Or if he spilled tea on the counter (or the floor) and wouldn’t bother to wipe it up; but instead leave it there for me to clean up later. One time he opened a Dr. Pepper in the living room and it sprayed all over the place. This time, I said something. “You need to get a rag and clean that up.” I said. He glared at me and went into the kitchen and got a wet rag and came back to the living room and cleaned the pop off of the table and the rug. Then went and threw the rag back in the kitchen sink. “There’s still some on the wall over here,” I said, as I pointed at it. He glared at me again and said; “I’ll clean it up later.”

The pop stayed on that wall for months!

I refused to clean it up after him; and he refused to clean it up because I “told him what to do.” We went round and round over things like this. I told him that I didn’t go into his store and knock stuff down and leave it laying there for him to pick up because that was his job; or pick stuff up and then put it down willy-nilly wherever I felt like it because putting things back where they belong was his job.

It was useless. it was useless trying to reason with him and make him understand how disrespectful I thought his behaviors were.  I finally cleaned the wall myself because I was tired of looking at it. He wasn’t going to come around to my way of thinking and trying to argue with him about it was pointless. I felt like he didn’t respect me or what I did for the family at all. I never asked him to do much of anything.  He didn’t even have to take the trash out.  I didn’t even take the money he earned and spend it on anything extra or for myself without asking him first. I was very respectful of him and how hard he worked, and yet it seemed like what I did was totally disregarded.   (And let me be clear here. I NEVER sat around and ate bon-bons while I watched soaps. I kept busy with cleaning and caring for the kids-taking them to the library for story hour, or to the park or whatever we could afford. There was no laying around being lazy. The house was always clean and the meals cooked, etc., just like I said.  (unless I was sick–or there was this time I was reading Gone With the Wind and didn’t do much but read for a couple days because I couldn’t put it down!  I did do the basics though.  They were fed.  I kept them alive.  haha  But, in all seriousness, I did not take advantage of  him or the fact that I was home all day.)

After about three or four years into our marriage, he had made the move to Target and moved up the ladder. We moved into a house, we actually had a little spending money here and there, and things had gotten better in a lot of ways. But there was still this issue with me feeling like his little servant girl. Since he was working retail, he didn’t get time off during holidays like a lot of other people did. And he always worked a lot of hours. There were many nights when he came home and plopped himself down in front of the TV and zoned out. It was like he wasn’t even there.  The girls would come into the living room and try to talk to him and say, “Dad! Dad! Dad!” and it would be like they weren’t even there. I would finally raise my voice and say, “Hey!” He would then seem to come out of it and say, “What?”   “The girls are trying to get your attention!” I would tell him.

Vacations consisted of road trips to see his family in Nebraska, or his family coming to see us. A couple of times I took the girls to see my parents in Wyoming on my own. He had to work. When we would go to Nebraska, he would go off and do things with his siblings and/or friends, while I stayed at his parent’s house with the girls. After a few years of this, I finally asked, “When do I get a vacation? I spend 24 hours a day with the girls and even when we are on vacation, it’s still my job to take care of them while you go off and have fun?” He looked at me dumbfounded. He had no response that that, and acted like he didn’t even understand what I was talking about. One time, his family came to see us and we took them to Lincoln, New Mexico to see all the Billy the Kid stuff and look around. Our second oldest was still a baby, and I was still nursing her. When we went into the upper part of the jail house to hear the guide tell us about how Billy the Kid was jailed there and escaped, I covered myself up and began to nurse our daughter. She was making sucking noises of course, and my husband looked over at me and scowled. “Keep her quiet! She’s making too much noise! Everyone can hear that!”  I looked around the room and no one seemed to be looking at me or notice I was nursing my baby at all. We were sitting clear in the back. But, he kept glaring and making such a stink about me nursing her in public, that I finally took her and went outside and sat on a bench to nurse her. He and everyone else stayed inside and listened to the guy talking and then they all looked around the jail and such.

When they all came out, we went to look at the rest of the little town. I had our daughter in a stroller, but all the sidewalks were made out of wood, and had steps you had to go up and down at the end of every block. None of them offered to help me with the steps or navigate the wooden walk ways, or through the streets. Eventually, I was so far behind them, I just stopped. They were all off doing what they wanted together and had left me behind like I wasn’t even there. They didn’t even notice I wasn’t with them for a while. I may as well have stayed home with the kids while they came without me. It was like I wasn’t even there anyway. His mom finally turned around and realized I was about ready to cry and took pity on me. She came over to me and helped me with the stroller and the baby and stayed with me while he and his dad and his siblings went on without us. And it was like that when we went to Carlsbad Caverns, or wherever we went.   I had the kids and took care of them and he was free to wonder off and do whatever he wanted unencumbered, every time.

Don’t get me wrong. I loved my kids and that’s why I did what I did. But even a mom needs a little break from her kids being attached at the hip 24/7.

When our youngest came along, and I just flat out told him that he needed to help because I didn’t have enough free arms for a toddler and a baby, and then he started to help out a little if we were going somewhere “fun” and doing things with groups of people. Sometimes.

Not long before I found out I was pregnant with our youngest, I had told him that I was thinking maybe I could go back to school part time. That the kids would not stay little forever and eventually leave home, and I would need to go back to work. That it might take a long time if I was only taking a class or two at a time, but that was okay, because it was a long-term plan, and they wouldn’t be grown for a while. And if I only took say, one or two classes, one or two nights a week, I would still be home with the kids most of the time and I would take the class on a night he didn’t have to work, and he could stay home with them. I thought this could work.

He threw a fit, and a whole bunch of other objections out at me. What if he had to work one of the nights I had class? Is he just supposed to tell his boss he can’t work because his wife has class? I told him if he had to work, I would just explain to my prof that I couldn’t come to class because I had no babysitter or maybe a neighbor could stay with them a couple hours. That I thought we could work it out. With every objection he put forth, I gave him a solution. Finally, he said, “I like knowing that you are home and that you are going to be here when I get off work.”

It’s only one night a week, I explained to him. I don’t understand why this is such an issue.

“I am putting my foot down.” He glared at me. “I have always let you do whatever you wanted in this marriage, and I am putting my foot down with this. I am not going to give you the money to go back to school.”   I looked at him incredulously, with my mouth open. I questioned if I was in a bad dream, and this was actually happening. What does he MEAN he’s always let me do whatever I wanted? What have I ever wanted to do? When did we ever have the money for me to do anything for myself? What is he even talking about?

“You won’t finish anyway.” He continued. “You never finish anything.”

All the blood rushed out of my body to my feet in that moment. But my feet are also freezing cold, and my whole body is both tingling and numb all at the same time.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who WAS this man? He wasn’t the man I thought I had married at all. And we had had some arguments, but lately, he was saying things that were pretty mean. I could not even begin to process what was happening. My head was swimming. My memory flashed back to a few weeks before when he had told me about how he was ashamed of me, and how hurt I was. I was never a gal who was into all the make-up and nails and being a girly girl. I did wear make-up, but not a lot of it and not every day. And my husband never seemed to mind.   One day, when we had been married just a few short months and had not yet left Wyoming; he was working at Alco, and I was at home cleaning the apartment. Because I was cleaning, I was wearing some cut-off sweats, a T shirt with the arms and neck cut out of it, and I had my hair pulled up in a pony. I was of course, not wearing makeup. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but to stay home and clean all day.  And I had gone plenty of places without make up anyway.  For me, that was no big deal.   I thought it was no big deal for him too.  Apparently, I was wrong.  I just didn’t know it yet.

We were out of Ajax, or something I needed to clean, so I put some shoes on and went up to Alco to get some more. When I walked into the store, my husband was up near the front talking to a guy I new from Jr High and High School.   So, I walked over to say hello. My husband was acting a bit strange, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. He started to introduce us, but his friend and I both stopped him and told him that we already knew each other from school. Then there was this awkward silence. So, I told them that I was in the middle of cleaning and had just popped up to get some Ajax, and I would let them visit. I never gave it a second thought after that. But, he apparently did. We are arguing one evening a few weeks prior to the school argument, and he proceeds to tell me that the day I showed up at Alco to get Ajax, he had just told this friend of his that he had just married the most beautiful woman in the world. Then I showed up right after he said that looking like I did, and he was VERY ASHAMED OF ME.

Then he adds that he never said anything to me before because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. GEE, thanks for sparing my feelings, buddy. I grew up with that friend of yours, and he knows perfectly well what I look like when I’m all made up. I used to see him every day in school. And if you were so worried about not hurting my feelings, why are you saying it now? How am I no longer beautiful anyway?  Just because I am not all made up? I have given birth to your child, and am raising it along with another. I have taken care of your child, and you, and cooked and cleaned for you, and picked up after you, and did your laundry for you.  I have washed your dirty underwear!!  And I’m not beautiful to you unless I’m all made up and wearing nice clothes???

My mind comes back to the discussion at hand and how he is now telling me that I won’t finish, because I never finish anything. What did this man really think of me, anyway? That was the moment I started wondering if the marriage was going to continue.   Oh, you think I never finish anything, huh? Well, watch me FINISH this marriage, you bat rastard.   

I was talking to my mother a few days after that and had told her what had happened. She sent me a check and told me to go enroll. I did, and he was not happy about this, at all.  The arguing got more petty, more mean, and more tiring and gruesome.  It seemed like it was almost ever day before I finally left.

I found out I was pregnant not long after I went back to school.   We would soon have baby girl number three. And not long after she was born, he would get a promotion that required us to move again; this time to Farmington, New Mexico. So, there was a lot to juggle. A baby, a toddler, an 8 year old, moving, and getting enrolled in a new school…and fighting with my husband the whole way. Still, I hated Roswell, and had hopes that things would get better.   We found a big house that was nicer than either of us had ever lived in, in our entire lives.   It had a huge yard with a lot of trees, shrubs, and vines that would need to be taken care of, but it would also be great for the girls to play in, and maybe we could even get them a small dog. I was worried about my husband being able to take care of the yard with all the hours he always had to work, but he assured me that the yard would be no problem.

We moved in. He mowed the lawn maybe twice, and then it sat there and over grew until I mowed it. The vines on the house grew so much they were hanging down from the top of the garage door and into the bay, and so I trimmed them, and on it went.  I was now doing the yard work, because he somehow never seemed to get to it.

Flash forward five or six weeks later, and I hear him with his brother on the phone and telling him how great the new house is. That the yard is huge and there’s vines and bushes that need trimming; “but the wife takes care of all of it, so I don’t have to worry about it.” He says with a chuckle.   The ass. He’s talking like I enjoy doing it, and it’s so much fun. Unbelievable.

I was now not only doing everything inside a home and taking care of kids; I have also taken on landscaping duties as well.   I was still nursing and caring for a 3 month old baby, a toddler, an 8 year old, and taking a class two nights a week with tons of homework.  I was doing all the shopping, the chauffeuring of kids around to schools and routine appointments,  the cooking the cleaning, laundry, paying the bills, fixing the toilet, seeing to maintenance on the car, mowing the grass, and whatever else that needed to be done in the yard too. He went to work, came home and ate, and sat in front of the TV and ignored us, and went to bed. Unless he decided to fight with me until the wee hours of the morning about I don’t even remember what. There was always something to fight about.   And I was increasingly unhappy.  This man did nothing but go to work, and I had to take care of EVERYTHING else.

One day, I had made dinner for him and the girls, and gone to class when he got home from work. But when I got up to the school, I realized I had forgotten my books and my homework. So, I drove back home to get them. When I got there, he was sitting in the living room watching tv, and the house was kind of dark and more quiet than I would expect. “Where are the girls?” I asked him. “I sent them to bed.” He said. “Why?” I asked.   “It’s only 6:00.” He looked away and paused, trying to think of what to say.  He didn’t have a real reason for it. He just didn’t want to be bothered with watching them. I thought about telling the girls they could get up and they didn’t have to stay in bed, but I knew he would just take it out on them. “Unbelievable.” I said, as I grabbed my books and rushed back out the door.

And just when I didn’t think things could get worse, or that I could be unhappier; they did.  He started yelling at the girls more, mostly our oldest, and calling them a little bitch. Of course, I wouldn’t have believed he would sink to such a level unless I had over heard it myself.   But sure enough, when I was in the back of the house, I overheard him yelling at them and call them little bitches.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  I was not only shocked, but mad as hell.

What a total asshole this guy was turning out to be. How dare he take his unhappiness out on them. How dare he take his frustration with me out on them. What a coward. What a piece of work. Was I really that naïve? How did I miss this? How is this happening? Did I miss some signs that were there all along? Right now it’s just the verbal abuse, but I had been here before and I knew that when the manipulation and the verbal stuff was no longer working, they can and do start to get physical. I was getting really worried. How long would it be before he hit me if I didn’t do what he thought I should? What if he hit the girls? Where would he draw the line, and how would I know the girls and I were safe?  No little girl could do anything that would warrant his behavior.  This was unacceptable.  She had done nothing anyway, other than be a kid who didn’t move as fast as he thought she should, or some other such dumb thing, like forget to pick up a toy. I didn’t understand it.  This was NOT the man I THOUGHT I had married.  The man I married, would never do this.  But here he was.  Doing just that.

Why don’t you try calling me a bitch, you  little coward?  No, you know better than to call me one, because I can fight back.  Instead, you pick on little girls who are afraid and won’t fight back. 

We had only been in Farmington maybe six months max, when one afternoon, I had laid the two youngest down for a nap, and my oldest had gone outside to play. The sliding glass door was open and she was doing something in the garage, and that door was right by the sliding glass door and open enough that I could hear her. She was talking to herself. I thought it was cute, so I moved closer to hear better. And then my heart sank. She was talking about killing herself and how she wished that she was dead. She was only 8 or 9 years old. I called her inside and asked her if she had said what I thought I had and she nodded in affirmation. I asked her what was going on and why she would say a thing like that and she began to cry and tell me it was because her daddy calls her a bitch and tells her that he hates her. I began to cry too, as I hugged her and told her to never say those things or think those things again and that daddy doesn’t know what he is saying. I tell her that it is going to stop; and from that moment on, that is what I set out to do.

I had already confronted him about calling the girls names like that and explained to him that it wasn’t ok and that he is hurting them.   The fact that he was apparently continuing to do it behind my back left me broken hearted for them and furious towards him. I no longer cared what was wrong or how to fix it.   I no longer cared about why he would be acting out the way he was. I no longer cared. Period.

I called my mother and told her what had been happening. I told her that I needed help and needed to get out of there but didn’t have any money or anywhere to go. She called my brother and told him as well, and they decided that they would come down and get me and the girls, and we could live in my parent’s basement until I got a job and got on my feet. I took the only credit card we had-for emergencies, and rented a U Haul truck and told them when I would need to come pick it up.  This was an emergency!

My mom and brother would be there that weekend. I kept a close eye on the kids and my husband, and never left him alone with them. I acted as normal as I could, and did not tell him I was leaving him until the day my mom and brother would be arriving to get me and the girls.

He looked at me shocked and asked me if I was kidding. I told him that I wasn’t. He went back into the bedroom and cried. “Why?” he asked. “Why would you leave me? I thought everything was fine. I don’t understand.  I mean, I know we have problems, but I thought they would work themselves out over time.” I shook my head and bit my lip. The time for fighting and trying to make him see anything was gone. He just truly did not get it.

And he never would.

When my mom and brother got there he moped around the house and mostly hid out in our bedroom; while my brother mumbled how he wanted to kick his ass for treating his nieces the way he had. I asked him to please not start any trouble and just get us out of there and he agreed. We got everything loaded up and the girls and I went to live in Colorado. Within a year, we would be divorced.

Occasionally, I would talk to my ex on the phone and he would try to convince me to come back. Tell me that he should have taken me out for dates, and things like that. But never once did he acknowledge that he was verbally and emotionally abusing me and our children or apologize for it. He acted like it never happened.  He would tell me he thought part of our problem is I was only willing and able to think short term and not long term.  That if I had thought long term and stayed, we would have been able to work things out.  He never got it.   I seriously doubt he gets it even now.

When I left, our youngest daughter was just nine months old. She doesn’t remember anything about what it was like when we all lived together as a family. And she has been the one most vocal about how I never should have left her dad and what a horrible mother I had been.   Her older sister was just 3 at the time, and she has been pretty vocal at times and lashed out at me plenty.   Only my oldest has seemed to be a little more understanding and willing to cut me some slack.

But you see, the thing is, I have never felt it was my place to dump all the things their dad had said and done on them. I never did with my oldest and her sperm donor either. It just didn’t seem right to run their father down to them, in my opinion. I thought the proper thing to do was to let them have their own relationship with their father. To make up their own minds about him and let their relationships with their dad be their own, and not mine. And now that my youngest is coming up on 25 years old, I have never told her any of this until now, though she has DEMANDED of me that I tell her why I would leave such a wonderful person as her father in the past.

And now, now that I have seen how he has taken every opportunity to play the victim with them and make me look horrible; I must question if what I did was really the right thing to do.

After I left, he called the girls occasionally, and even came to see them a couple of times. But after a few months, he didn’t call, didn’t come see them, and didn’t even bother to send a card on their birthday. He said it was just too painful for him. Right. Because it’s all about you. Not the girls. Staying in touch and letting them know they are important to you doesn’t matter, because it hurts you? That’s just dad gum skippy. What about what they need?  What about you being the adult here?  What about you making sure they know you love them and miss them and want to talk to them?  Nope.  It’s all about you. 

When it was his turn to have his custody, he would take them, and then when we would meet for him to give them back to me, he would bawl like a baby. Of course, the girls would see him so upset, and they would start getting upset and crying too. They would scream and cry as they looked out the back window of the car as we pulled away and I would have to bite my lip. How could he do that to them and get them so upset like that? But he did it. Every single time he dropped them off.

I, of course, thought it was important to put on a brave face and not upset them. I thought it was important to foster their relationship with their dad and not give off any signs of worry that he would actually take good care of a 1-year old baby. Did he even know how? Would he, and could he handle it for a week? Or two? Or for the whole summer? Would he lash out and verbally abuse them again? How could I trust him not to? But I had never wanted to drag the girls through the mud over whether he was fit, abusive, or any of that stuff. I knew the judge was never going to allow me to keep the girls from their dad unless I had proof he had broken bones or left scars of some kind; and even then, a judge still wouldn’t.   It was my word and my oldest daughter’s word against his. I wasn’t putting her through that. And I didn’t want to keep them from him forever either. I just wanted him to treat them better.

Since I was in Colorado and he was still in New Mexico, we set up custody as such that he would get the girls for Spring Break, Christmas Break, and for the summers. It was just too far away for us to try and get them down there more often than that. I would have them during the school year. And, of course, he was welcome to come visit them any time he wanted. We agreed to meet in Alamosa, which was about half way between where we both lived, and exchange the girls there at the McDonald’s.

It was hard to be away from them so long, especially for the whole summer, but that was the agreement we came to as to the custody of the children in the divorce. I had no choice but to pray a lot and try to trust God that he would now appreciate his time with his girls and treat them better.

I had also agreed in the divorce to take nearly $500 dollars less a month in child support, because he had called me up crying and saying he couldn’t afford it. I decided that it was better to get what he thought he could afford, than to get nothing at all because he couldn’t afford it. And my attorney sent me a couple letters warning me against doing that; but I did it anyway. And he did pay it. Every month, just like we agreed.

Over the years I never took him back to court to have it increased, even though I knew he had gotten plenty of raises and promotions and was doing well. Not once. Not even after all the times he told me I was just “living off” the child support-even though I was working, but just not managing to make good money like he did.  Of course, he thought this was purposeful too.

As if I LIKE working for wages that mean we have to struggle to get by.   Oh yeah, good times! Are you kidding me? Do I look like Emelda Marcos to you; with 600 pairs of shoes in my closet? Am I driving a brand new car, or even a newer one? Do you not see the places we have had to live in? And I’m just living off the child support??? If you’re so worried about giving money to ME, why aren’t the girls coming home from being with you in new clothes and shoes? You’re doing better and you still can’t buy them clothes and shoes and things to bring home with them?  I agreed to a lot less child support; how bout you now give some of that to your kids since you are doing so much better now?  That’s something very easy for you to have do without ever having to give a dime to me if you were so worried about how I would spend YOUR money.

How typical of every abusive man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting to treat me like crap and then not understand why I would leave. How typical of every one of them to act as if a mother is taking child support and using it for fun and games. How typical of each one of them to think that if they aren’t able to have sex with a woman any longer, he shouldn’t have to give her a dime-when it’s not even for her, but for the kids. Because that’s what it’s really about. Their entitlement. Their belief that as long as a woman does what he wants then it’s okay to take care of her or give her money. Which she usually uses to make their house a home, or to look nice for him, or for his kids. But he still sees it as giving money to her. And, as long as he still gets to sleep with her and gets to make her his little cook and maid and chauffer for his kids; as long as she is spending the money in a way that he approves of; then he has no problem with it. But if she has the audacity to leave and expect him to take care of the children he had with her? No. They still see it as giving money to HER, that they get nothing “in return” for; because money is for buying things, and if they are “spending money” they should be getting something for it in return.  And that is really how they see it.  And, they absolutely hate that. That’s what abusive men with no respect for women do, and that’s exactly how they think. Women are just a commodity to them and they have no use for a woman unless they want sex; and they have no desire for marriage unless they want someone to cook and clean and do the child raising. These men have no real respect for women at all. This was the disrespectful and abusive man. I knew him all too well.

But at least I had a modicum of respect for myself and for my children. I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I stuck with the amount that we had agreed on, even though the girls and I were always struggling financially.   Even though he would accuse me of “living off the child support” and not doing what I could be doing job wise.   Even though that by the time I paid the day care for a full time baby, a full time toddler, and an 8 year old before and after school care, I had a measly $150-$200 left of the child support he was giving me.   Even though he never sent an extra dime to them for clothes, school lunches, pictures, after school activities, or anything extra they may want. He sent his child support. Took them when it was his turn to have them. And that was it. Nothing more. No extra cash for anything.   No phone calls in between visiting times. Nothing.

When they got a little older and my first born was in Junior High, she was being bullied by a gang of Hispanic girls. It was so bad I had even called the police. Going to the Principal of the school only escalated things. Trying to talk to the main instigator’s mother didn’t help at all.   It was horrible. They would call the house and ask to speak to her and tell me they wanted to “f*ck her up.” To my face!

She begged me to let her go live with her dad in New Mexico. I really thought that maybe that was going to be the only solution. So, I let her go. But then, of course, her two younger sisters missed her, and wanted to go live with their dad too. I didn’t know what to do. It seemed like he was doing a good job taking care of them-other than they were completely disrespectful to me every time they came back. That he never made them do any chores, he gave them pretty much whatever they wanted, and they resented me making them do anything when they came back.  He was “good time daddy” who never really had to discipline them or make them get up and get ready for school or do homework, or any of the hard things like that.  I had to be the battle axe, because I had them during the school year.  Maybe it was time he had to take on a more difficult role, and enforce a bed time, doing homework, and things like that, instead of all that time with him being what was nothing more than a vacation.

I had decided that I wanted them to be able to live wherever they wanted when they were old enough to decide. I didn’t ever want there to be fights over where they lived. I wanted this divorce to be as drama free as possible, and for the most part, up to that point, it had been. I wanted it to be an open-door thing for them and told them they could live wherever they wanted, as long as they weren’t going back and forth during the school year.

My youngest came back one year when she was in the fourth or fifth grade and it was just me and her that year. It was so nice having her there. She expressed an interest in playing basketball after school and so we got her going in that and she seemed to really pick it up and love it. It was fun going to her games on the weekends and practices after school. We would go for walks in the evenings and talk about anything and everything. I cherished those moments and still do.   That’s probably the closest we would ever be again. (At least so far.)  The following year, she said she didn’t feel like she was really making any friends and she wanted to go back to live with her dad. She never came back again after that, except to visit.  (I think that more than likely her dad bribed her, and she also missed her sisters.)

My oldest came back her sophomore year and finished out her high school years with me and ended up moving out with and marrying her junior high sweet heart and living in the same town as I did.

When the other two turned between twelve to fourteen, they started distancing themselves from me. I would text them and they wouldn’t answer.   I would call, and they wouldn’t pick up, nor call me back. When I would ask why they aren’t responding to me they would snap at me and tell me they were busy. I figured that it was probably normal and tried not to take it to heart.

But as my youngest, especially, got older, she became more and more hateful towards me.   My second oldest had her moments too. But my youngest really gave me hell.

On a visit with me that was what was probably the last time she would ever come to see me for my custody time alone, she really gave me a hard time-along with some insight as to what was really going on with her and at her father’s house. She had already been spending all her time on her cell phone when she was with me for visits anyway, and if I complained or told her she had to put it away, I was told how evil I was, and she missed her friends. That was as bad as it seemed to get until this last time she came alone, and she was about 15 or 16. After that I was told she was bringing a boyfriend with her or she wasn’t coming at all.

On this last visit where she came alone, she kept making really snarky remarks to me and insulting me. When I would ask her what her problem was, the answer was always “nothing” and that she didn’t want to fight. We went to the store and the insults continued. When we left and got in the car to leave, I slammed on the brakes after she made some other wise crack; and told her we weren’t going anywhere until she told me what was going on.  We were going to sit right there in the parking lot and talk.

This girl proceeded to tell me how she didn’t understand why I left her dad and why she had to grow up without a mother. How when she got her first period or needed her first bra and all these other things, it was so awkward and how I was awful to leave her dad and make her have to grow up with out a mother. I sat there astonished. This girl was acting like I had dropped her off on her dad’s door step and never came back!  I pointed out to her that she CHOSE to go live with her dad and she could have come back to live with me at any time. She wouldn’t have it. She shouldn’t have had to choose and if I just would have stayed with her dad, everything would have been fine. She wanted to know- Why did I have to leave her dad in the first place? Because she just didn’t understand it and thought it was very selfish of me to make her grow up without a mother.

I tried to tell her that I had my reasons for leaving her dad and that it really wasn’t her business, nor did I think it was a good idea to dump our relational issues on her. That again, she made the choice to go live with her dad because he would buy her things I could not afford, and she needed to take some ownership of her own choices. Her response? “Well, I am a kind of expensive child to raise.”

I already knew from my oldest daughter that their dad had told them if they would live with him that he would buy them things. He promised them braces, new bedroom furniture, and I don’t even know what all else.   You see, the agreement was, that when the kids were with him, he only had to pay me one fourth of the child support we had agreed upon. So, it benefited him greatly to have them with him more than with me. And you know what? He never did any of it. My oldest got her own braces as an adult when she was nearly 30 years old. She never got any new bedroom furniture either, except a new bed, that she had to leave there when she left.

My youngest was between 15 and 18 and complaining that he had promised braces to her too, and never had gotten them for her. I told her that she needed to just keep bugging him about it and reminding him that he had promised her them until he did it. That was the extent of my derogatory speech toward her dad. He finally got her veneers, and she seemed satisfied with that.  My second oldest, he never got her the braces he promised her either.

As for my youngest, her attitude towards me continued to vacillate between loving me, but from a distance; to I was a horrible person who ruined her life. And she would get more and more hateful towards me the older she got. When she was around 17 or close to 18 she called me up and told me that I was a horrible person for taking that one fourth of the child support that her dad was paying me when she wasn’t even there and that was money that she could use herself. I explained that this money was used to help me afford a bigger place that would have room for them when they were with me; and pay the utilities, ect., for that place.  (It was only $200) She did not care; and went on to explain that she was tired of being told no by her dad every time she had asked him for something and he had told her that he couldn’t because he had to pay me child support.

Wait a minute. I have heard her tell me this before. Instead of her dad just telling her no, or telling her that he couldn’t afford something; he was telling her that IT WAS BECAUSE HE HAD TO PAY ME CHILD SUPPORT or that he couldn’t afford to BECAUSE he had to pay me child support. The message he was sending her was clear. He wasn’t going to give her what she wanted, and it was her MY fault!   That little sonofabitch.

And there it was. All the hints I had ignored over all those years, all the times they told me that their dad was asking them if I was dating and who I was dating; and I would tell them that they didn’t need to tell their dad anything because it wasn’t any of his business. All the times he had the nerve to accuse me of living off of the child support, all the times they dropped hints that he was offering to buy them things if they lived with him and not me and so much more came rushing in.   This man had played the victim to the girls. Had manipulated them; and turned them against me. And all the while, I had tried to do the right thing and keep the girls best interest at heart. Had tried to make sure I didn’t run him down or say anything bad about him….and he went around with them and played good time daddy, and sugar daddy, and let them do and have whatever they wanted and all the while made sure they knew, whether he said it or not; that their mother was a loser, their mother was no good, and their mother was irrelevant. That sonofabitch had even let my second oldest daughter drop out of high school and get her GED without telling me. I found out purely by accident and it was already done, and had been for months.

I had to make a decision; and I had to make it quick. Argue with my daughter over a measly $200, and let her use that as more ammunition to hate me; or let it go.

“You tell your dad I don’t want his money anymore.”   I said.

And she obviously did, because he never gave me dime after that. And I did not care. You know why? Because from that moment on, at the very least, he could no longer tell her no for something and blame me for it because he “had to pay me child support.”   From that moment on, he had to take hold of his own cajones and either tell her no or yes, but it was completely on him for a change. It was a very small victory, and it was far too late in the game. But I was taking that power he had to drag me through the mud with my daughter back. However miniscule that victory; it was still mine, and I tried to find hope in that.

All those years and years they had spent with him, and all that time he had to establish a relationship with them that I couldn’t as they got older.   All those years he was able to make them think I was such a horrible woman who left him for no reason. I don’t know how or if I can ever repair the damage that was done. I don’t know how to get that back.

And now I question if the biggest mistake I made with my girls was not telling them how abusive their dad had been. The things he said, the things he did. And for my oldest daughter, I wonder that doubly as I watch her struggle with why her dad gave her up and let her be adopted by another man. As I watch her deal with having a half brother and sister she didn’t even know and why he stuck around to raise them and not her. To accept the fact that his excuse of not paying her child support was because he had two other kids to raise when SHE WAS THERE FIRST. And to add insult to injury, that was why he let her be adopted. He didn’t want the child support obligation any more.

Part of me didn’t want her to know the whole truth. The man had not only refused to support her financially, but had never even tried to be part of her life. That man never called, sent a card or letter, nor saw her FOR YEARS AT A TIME. I didn’t have it in me to hurt her any further by telling her how her father really was.

And now that we are all older, we see the mess he left in the life of his other daughter and son, too. I can only imagine what wife number two had to go through. But I think I have a pretty good idea.

And now I wonder if I should not have had more honest conversations with my girls about their dad; even when they were young. If I had not waited until they were adults to tell them what it was like for me to live with these men? How would they see me now if they knew even the small things I have just told you?   How would they have seen me then? Would it have changed anything?

I can’t be sure. But I do think that maybe; just maybe, they would at least have had more accurate information to go on while their dad was covertly making them decide if it was going to be him or me.

I’m not saying that I should have gone around calling their dad a no good such and such and run him down every chance I got. But maybe, just maybe, I should have been more open and honest with them about what he was like when I was married to him.

In all honesty. Today, it’s no consolation that at least I made sure they had a good relationship with their dad. To say I did the right thing while I lost the relationships and respect of my children…I can’t honestly say it was worth it, at all. Not even close.

I kept thinking that when they grew up and got older that maybe they would see. That maybe they would come around and realize that maybe their poor, loser of a mother might have done at least a few things right. But the heartaches are still so much to bear as time goes by and nothing changes each time they get upset with me.   I don’t know if I did the right thing or not. I’m not sure I ever will.

And that’s the thing. We are all just looking for answers here. They are wanting to know if they are really loved and cared for. They are wanting to know why mom and dad had to split up in the first place. I am wanting to know many of those same things myself.   Did he really love me and care for me? Why couldn’t we make things work out? Was it wrong for me to leave when I saw no way to fix it? What should I have told my girls? What did I tell them that I shouldn’t have?   Should I have refused to let them go live with him?

I’m not sure if any of us will ever find the answers to all of the questions we have; and I have to wonder if maybe sometimes the answers we need; they just aren’t there.

On Gun “Control” and “Mass” Shootings

I have a friend named Shawn who posted a meme (shown below) that stated it was better to arm teachers and train them to protect children instead of making them all the equivalent of sitting ducks. And, as usual when this type of things happens, the accusations and arguments started flying. Now Shawn is an awesome guy. He’s a good ole Nebraska boy who made Colorado his home many years ago. He teaches special education and is also a certified mountain survival guide. I used to work with Shawn, so I do know a little about him, and I for one would have no problem with someone like him carrying a concealed weapon to protect one of my kids. But there was one lady who threw a fit and who had plenty to say on the matter that I am going to copy and paste here so she is not misquoted.

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First, she started out with this:

“Seriously? We r going to send our little ones to an institution that has the people who train our kids approx. 6 hrs a day, to carry guns? Ummm, that’s called jail, prison, correctional facility. No tx! And assuming these teaches feel “comfortable” carrying guns. Hello? Toot toot, the reality train is leaving from la la land. All aboard! Just sayin’”

Well, I’m sure I will catch plenty of flack for what I am about to say here by many, (of those who even bother to read this and read it all the way through) but I believe I have just as much right to express my opinion here as anyone else; so here goes. I am going to copy my responses to this lady here and then I am going to explain my reasoning for those responses afterward. (For those who are still reading.)

This was my response to her first remark above:

“So…metal detectors at schools before they can even walk in…parents who have to line up their cars outside and wait up to an hour to pick up their kids and have the matching decal hanging from the mirror that goes with their kid to even pick them up….talk about JAIL!! I know what I’d do if I were a teacher….if no one knew I had it there would be no harm and if there was a “situation” they would be glad I had it. They make clothes now specifically designed to accommodate those who have a concealed carry license and the kids would be none the wiser. Which would be a heck of a lot less like jail.”

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This woman went on and on with statements like this. Again, I am copying and pasting her posts, I am not making this up. These are some of her responses:

“Ok. Once again. Solving violence with violence is not the answer. It’s time for that antiquated, cave-manish, wild West thinking to be done. Wake up to the 21st century. Some of us want to evolve. Most of us I dare say.”

Then she said this:

“Hey maybe when they invent a time machine you can go back in time to a less law, more violent time that suits you.”

And this:

“Instead, let’s come up with a better, more civilized appropriate solution. Not everyone feels comfortable with guns and furthermore it is insensitive pushing your view on those folks. Most people don’t want more guns. That’s all I’m saying. Be a little more sensitive.”

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Hmm…I wonder who’s really trying to push their view on others here…

And she went on to say this:

“Bottom line is, unless you are personally involved, and completely knowledgeable of the situation, you are speaking from ignorance. Just. Don’t. I’m done.”

And I responded to her with this:

Every “non-violent” society in the “lawless past” has been wiped out because they either refused to fight back, or were ill equipped to fight those who attacked them. Those who did survive, had people who were willing to do their dirty work for them, and fight.   It’s a fact that we have not been attacked as a country in the past because of the mere fact that they knew our citizens had guns. This is not an “unevolved” mentality, it is a smart mentality. People who want to be able to protect their own and their country are not apes dragging their arms on the ground with guns. They are people who actually have the balls to do what chicken shit Liberals do not….as they sleep safe and sound in their homes (for the most part) and spout off their mouths like they are oh so “enlightened” all the while forgetting those rights and that safety have been, and continue to be, earned by what? Men with guns! But that’s the Liberal mentality. Always wanting the benefits of what someone else earns for them with no respect and no gratitude. Sometimes you fight fire with fire. And fighting against evil and calling it evil does not make it evil. It’s just two groups of people who have guns. But one group has common sense and respect, while the OTHER group, the ACTUAL EVIL group, does not!! Just because a person or persons is willing to fight back does not make them evil. That’s distorted thinking. Do two wrongs make a right? We say no. But defining the “wrong” in that question is really the issue here. And Liberals have it all messed up, and THEY are the real idiots who are too blind to even see it because they are too busy believing they are “enlightened” and more “evolved” than everyone else…

…And while I am at it, I’ll just say this. HOW DARE YOU tell ANYONE they don’t have a “dog in the fight” just because they didn’t lose someone or know someone directly who lost someone in one of these tragedies. HOW DARE YOU say that those people are insensitive. I for one, may not have lost anyone directly or know someone directly affected, but I can tell you without a doubt that I am fully aware of the fact that my grandson, who is just 6 years old, could be a target of some mentally ill, irrational, evil person on any given day. Just like anyone else. And for someone to say that I “have no say” in the matter but I should give up MY gun is just one more example of distorted thinking. “Oh hey, you need to give up your gun, but you have no say in the matter because you never lost anyone, and you don’t know anyone who has.” Yeah right. NO! It doesn’t work that way! I want my grandson protected, just like anyone else would. I would be far more willing to trust a good man who is a teacher (like Shawn) with a gun around my grandson than try to take comfort in knowing that they are all just sitting ducks.”

Now, I know my responses may seem harsh to some, but in my fifty years of life, I have learned a few things. One of which being that sometimes when you are talking to certain people, you have to speak a language they understand. If you come across as weak or unsure of what you are saying, they will not give any credence to it. That’s just the way it is. So, given the way she was speaking out and responding to others in the feed, I felt this was probably the best approach. Not to be mean or disrespectful, because that really wasn’t my intent. Just matter of fact, and to the point. Just like sometimes, when you are dealing with a violent person, they only thing they are going to understand is when you have to be violent back to them. Otherwise, you end up severely beaten, or dead. Using violence to protect yourself against violence does not make you a violent person. The two are not synonymous. That is distorted thinking, which I will get into.

When I was growing up, I had plenty of girls come at me and wanting to fight. Usually over some stupid boy, I had no interest in, and especially no interest in fighting over; but whatever. I was often accused of things I had never even done. They would say they heard I called them a bitch, or had stolen their boyfriend. Often times, I didn’t even know who the girl was, so there was no reason for me to call her any names. Other times, I had no idea who the boy was, or that he had been going out with her before he started going out with me. People who want to fight and be ugly just plain want to fight and be ugly. Even if it means making up reasons to do it. Now, I hate confrontation to this day. I do not like it and will do everything I can to avoid it, even to my own detriment. And I learned early on, especially in these situations with these girls who were often bigger and/or older than I was, to be a real fast talker. I would say things like, “Well, I don’t remember calling you a bitch, but if I did, I am really sorry.” To me, that was better than admitting to something I didn’t even do, and even though I didn’t want to be in that situation, I didn’t want to admit to something I didn’t do even more.   But there were times, I apologized to them for things I never said or did. Why? Because it’s really hard to argue with a person who has said they are sorry. But there were a few that were determined to hurt me no matter what I said and came after me. I had two choices. Get beat up, or fight back. I chose to fight. This had nothing to do with me being a violent person or loving violence. It had everything to do with me protecting myself and not getting beat up!   I talked to my brother, who gave me some tips, and I still did everything I could to talk my way out of it; but when they came at me, I didn’t back down. And, sad to say, I have been in my fair share of fights, whether from my days in school or random bar fights or at parties or concerts. This isn’t something I am proud of, and as I have gotten older, fortunately, this has been far less necessary. (Plus I quit hanging out in bars and don’t really go to concerts anymore either.) As I have gotten older, I have also learned that there have been a lot of other women (and some guys) that were/are just plain scared of me.   I’m not bragging and I’m certainly not always happy about it.   Often times I have been nothing but nice to a person and been shocked to find that they were scared of me, and it just is what it is. But something happens when you know how to handle yourself and what you are capable of. Something happens when you know that you can protect yourself. I took kick boxing as an adult and became even more confident in my abilities, and I became less of a target and less of a victim. I’m still a nice person and treat people with kindness whenever I can, and I’m sure that is what makes me look like a good target to some people-and boy were they in for a rude awakening. But I guess to those who are even more unsure of themselves than I am, I can come across as intimidating to them. Plus, when you’ve had more than your fair share of boyfriends who have tried to beat on you and you’ve had to learn to fight back…it changes you. I am definitely not proud of that either, but I have had to do it, and I did, and I am a survivor. I will not apologize for it. And maybe that’s the difference between me and a lot of those people who put far too much trust in others. I learned early on in life that no one was coming to save me, and that the sometimes, the very people you think are going to protect you end up being the ones who victimize you. I learned I had to protect myself, and that relying on myself was often times a far better option than relying on others. It’s a sad situation, but it’s reality too. And wishing things to be different didn’t change a single thing.

Let’s be realistic here. The predators prey on the weak. They LOOK for signs of weakness in every group of people; just like predatory animals do. It’s never the bull in the herd of Elk they go after, it’s the young, the old, and the sick, for example. Unfortunately, predatory people aren’t much different. Just watch their eyes. Predatory animals have their eyes in front and are constantly looking straight ahead. Animals that are often preyed upon have eyes that are more on the sides of their heads, and they are constantly darting their eyes back and forth. Always watching. Always looking for a threat. People aren’t much different. Our eyes are in the front of our heads and we face very few threats for the most part. We are considered to be at the top of the food chain in the Animal Kingdom, and for good reason. But watch other people’s eyes. You will soon see what I mean. But more on people and animals later. My point is that a person who chooses to fight back is not necessarily a violent person, and unfortunately yes, sometimes, violence IS the only answer. I will say it again; sometimes you have to speak a language they understand.

After every mass shooting, especially involving children, you see the emails, the videos, the posts on Facebook start to fly. Everyone with their own argument as to why there needs to be more gun control or why there doesn’t. I try not to get too involved in it, but sometimes, it’s just not that easy for me. Because quite honestly, I don’t think anyone is going to change their minds or position on the matter. That’s the way society is these days. Everyone is busy talking, and no one is listening. But for those who MIGHT be willing to at least TRY to keep an open mind, here are what I think are some very important things to consider.

There are many out there who would like to see more “gun control” though there isn’t much solid information on what that really looks like or how that’s defined; and, what it looks like keeps changing. I know there are plenty of people who are afraid of guns and would be happy to see them taken from everyone, regardless of the shape, size, or “capabilities” of said gun. They just want them all gone. But then, I would suppose these people are afraid of blood, vomit, and their own shadows too, so there’s that. (Go ahead start lashing out now-I stand by what I say.) But I can tell you first hand that most of these people have never had to defend themselves in any way in all their lives.

There are those who argue that it’s just the “assault” weapons that need to be taken or clips that hold a large a amount of rounds. That the government ISN’T TRYING TO TAKE OUR GUNS, and those who are concerned about it are just plain crazy or conspiracy theorists.   But they fail to remember the story of the frog. That being, that if you put a frog in boiling water to try and cook it, it will just jump out. But if you put a frog in cool or warm water and turn the heat up slowly, it will sit there and adjust to the temperature as it rises. By the time it realizes that it needs to jump out, it will be too late.

I think these people also put far too much trust in governments, in my opinion; who have in the past done UNSPEAKABLE things to their citizens, and that includes the United States, if someone bothers to take a look. But when you want the government to feed you, dress you, give you free health care, and and even free cell phones, why would you question them? Do you really think O’Bama gave all those people free cell phones out of the kindness of his heart? If you think he did, I would tell you that you might want to think again. And, as a person who worked at Social Services, I can also attest to how MOST of these people see “free stuff” as this thing that magically appears out of nowhere from the government and is given to them. They make no connection whatsoever to the fact that tax payers are footing the bill for all of it; and those who do, simply do not care as long as they get what they want…for free.   There’s a whole bunch of them who lie to get this “free stuff” and feel like it is owed to them. And Social Services has, in return, created an atmosphere where you do not turn people in for lying and getting benefits they are not eligible for. Even giving everyone a “cute” little poem upon hiring called “on the other side of the desk” that basically says that they are fully aware that there are many people lying, but if it were you, you might lie too. So, we aren’t going to do anything about it. In a town of over 150,000 people, they cut back their investigators to find and prosecute these people who are lying and stealing from us tax payers to ONE. Let me repeat that. ONE.

And let’s be clear here. There is a BIG different between entitlements and benefits. HUUUUUUGE. An entitlement is something you have paid into in order to get a return later on, like Social Security, or a retirement plan.   Benefits typically are not earned. You heard of friends with “benefits.” Men love this because they get to have the benefits of an intimate relationship without having to earn them. (Some women too) And it’s the same way with things like Medicaid, AFDC, WIC, and on the list goes. These are things that people get if they are “eligible” and meet the requirements, (usually providing proof that they are indigent and unable to care for themselves on their own) and it’s paid for entirely by the tax payers. Many would argue that if they once worked and pay taxes, that they should be able to get these benefits, even if it means lying, and they are perfectly capable of caring for themselves. Many of them never worked a day in their lives.

Now, there are many good hearted folk out there who want to help people. I am one of them, and that’s why I went to work for Social Services in the first place. But to be honest, it really left a bad taste in my mouth. I have no problem helping people who need it. I do have a problem with people who work hard every day and then have what they have worked for taken from them before they even see it, and then it’s given to someone who is lying to get it. I guarantee you, if people had a choice about having their money taken from them before they even saw it, and where that money would go; things would be a LOT different. A LOT. But I digress. While I can go on and on about this, it is not the issue.

Maybe the government doesn’t want to take all our guns from us…right now. But guess what? That doesn’t mean I should give mine up now. Because what if that situation changes later on? THAT is the real point here. It’s not people like myself think the government wants to take our guns (though some might) it’s that we are making sure they don’t and never do! The bigger and more corrupt our government gets, the less faith I have in them and that they will never try to force us into a tyrannical dictatorial situation. They have given me very little reason to trust them, especially of late. But many people fail to see that and put complete trust in our “wonderful” government, who only “wants to take care of them”—or so they think. I mean, it IS their job after all, which they have failed miserably at doing on many occasions. Just look at the Native Americans and how well the gov has taken care of them. Look at the people who legitimately live on welfare. They all live in poverty and often times have to make choices as to whether they buy food or the medication they need. Yet many people will not look at that either, even though the proof is there they will not open their eyes and they will not see. And for those who are completely dependent upon the government…they will NEVER agree willingly to give up their only means for survival. No matter how crappy their existence is. Those who truly cannot take care of themselves know all too well that without the help of the taxpayers, they might very well cease to exist at all. And that animal instinct to survive will kick in full force when they feel threatened.

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There are many people who also fail to realize that no government that was corrupt and took over the people, ever started out saying that they were going to do these things. There were plenty of people who thought Hitler was the answer, and supported him. There were plenty of people who thought he was a good guy and bought into all his tactics and lies. And a lot of these people were not evil, they were just brain washed into believing that they were doing the right thing. They honestly thought they were doing good, because of a perceived threat, they were told existed by Hitler. But these governments that took over the people and then exploited and abused them did it little by little, one step at a time. Usually by convincing the people fairly early on that they were safe/unsafe and needed to give up their guns. They didn’t tell them that later they would take everything else they owned, force them into poverty and starvation and execute anyone who doesn’t go along with it or tries to fight back. I guarantee you Stalin and people like him didn’t tell the people what they had in mind. That came later. And that’s the way it works. That’s a fact, and unfortunately, that’s reality. Power corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. Maybe the government will never try to take all of our guns and become a tyrannical dictatorship. That doesn’t mean I have to give them the chance to, though, either.

Besides Hitler and Stalin, there are many others, and we STILL see it today in North Korea and many others places if we just look. There are still many people out there like that, and always will be. So, how can we reasonably say that we as a people have evolved and become more enlightened and need to give up our guns? Do you really think these people are just going to go away or fade into the background and leave you alone merely because you asked them to? You really think the government is going to protect you? I never saw a bunch of more corrupt, selfish, greedy, lying people in my life than most of the politicians in government. And you want me to believe that they as a whole give a rats ass about me and taking care of me? No, I don’t think so. Maybe some of them do, and some of them try. But eventually, they get blackmailed, or end up giving into what everyone tells them they should do if they want to keep their jobs. Our government is corrupt, whether you want to believe it or not, and the good ones are fighting for their lives just to keep some semblance of stability and peace in our nation. But I for one, would not trust a politician any further than I could throw them. And I sure would not wait around and rely on them to take care of and protect me. If a plane drops North Korean soldiers on our property, I for one don’t want to wait for the National Guard or police to show up. By then it will all be over. I would rather go out trying to protect myself and my family, and while I may not be successful, I also just might be!! Especially if all my family and neighbors were here to help. I also find that a much better option than being captured, raped and tortured for God knows how long too.

You know what our government did in their “infinite wisdom” after Hurricane Katrina? I mean aside from the fact that FEMA was a disaster itself and left vast numbers of people without the help they so desperately needed. (And they still are, I might add.) No, I’m talking about how they decided to pass a gun ban in New Orleans. So, the law-abiding citizens gave up their guns and the criminals did not. You know what happened? The crimes were even worse, and the crime rate went through the roof. Law abiding citizens became sitting ducks, and the criminals knew it. Just Google the two words rape and Katrina and you will soon see a completely different picture of how taking guns from people makes them more of a victim. There was a book written by a woman who told her story of how a man and his son would come over to her place and they would both rape her EVERY DAY. I wish I could remember her name or the title of the book, but I can’t and I need to move on here. I’m sure you can find it if you only look.

Moving on now.

Now, regarding government take overs, and the like, I know that these mass shootings involving our schools and children is not a just perceived threat, but a very real one. But I hope you get the actual point here. We, as a country, need to be careful about who we believe the enemy is. Because often times, it isn’t really who or what we think it is.

The Second Amendment says, “A well regulated militia being NECESSARY to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms, SHALL NOT be INFRINGED.” (Emphasis mine.) Let me just say this. It has already been INFRINGED upon! Since the Amendment was ratified in 1791, it has been pretty clear what that meant, and that all citizens have the right to keep and bear arms…that is until later on; and especially more recently. Now we have to have debates about what a “militia” actually is, and what “well regulated” means. We have to argue about whether the rights of the militia are greater than the rights of the individual, aka the People. It’s just ridiculous, really. But nevertheless, these debates continue, and rarely does the Supreme Court rule in the favor of the individual-perhaps never. I have not found any circumstances in my searches, but my searches have not been extensive. I’m just saying that what I HAVE found, are examples of the court ruling against an individual’s right to bear arms when challenged through the legal system. Every time. Gee the establishment that gets to decide the fate of the individual ruling against the individual-go figure!

But debates aside, I think this Amendment is indicative of something very important. Our forefathers knew all too well what it was like to live in a society where governments, monarchies or dictators took over; and wanted our citizens to be able to form a militia against a tyrannical government, if needed, and stop that from happening. And to be honest, in all the history of the world, it wasn’t that long ago, and is quite demonstrative of how evil some people really are and always will be! And as an aside, I am sure that there are many Native Americans who can attest to how many tribes were completely wiped off the face of this continent because even though they tried to fight back, they didn’t have guns, are were no match for those who did.

Now, I’m sure there are some who would consider me “anti-government” or whatever else, and that simply isn’t the case. What I AM saying though, is that the government was set up to work for us. We the People. To be limited, and accountable to us. And it is no longer that way, and it’s disturbing, and quite frankly, illegal.

The FBI defines a mass shooting as any shooting that involves the death of at least four persons, including the shooter. Four is not a number that I personally would consider as a “mass” of anything. Nor is the fact that maybe it was gangsters fighting against each other or anything like that taken into consideration. i.e. criminals killing criminals. No, people need to think that all these deaths are the deaths of completely innocent people. And, if the shooter is shot or kills themselves, making the number found; then it’s a “mass” shooting, of which one of the “victims” is the shooter themselves. So, when you hear that there have been X number of mass shootings in our country, just beware of the fact that this number is meant to sound far worse than it is. I am not saying that mass shootings are not a problem. That’s not it at all. What I am saying is that people are being misled to believe the problem is far worse than it is. That it’s out of control and if we don’t act in a hurry it may be too late, because innocent people are being dropped like flies out there. Now why would they do that? Hmmm…. Again, this is not to say we don’t have a problem that needs fixed. We definitely do. But this is not a problem that demands split second decisions with little thought behind them, either. Yes, the sooner the better. I am not happy to see anyone hurt or killed. Not even one, as they like to say. But we DO need to think this through!

Moving on now. Guns are a weapon. So is a bow and arrows, knives, bombs, fighter jets, submarines, and well, you get the picture, I hope. The only difference in these things is their efficacy. A person could just as easily use their fists, a fork, a pencil, or an axe. But would it be effective in a situation where they are outmatched? I always think of that movie Crocodile Dundee where he’s up against this guy who pulls a knife on him, and he says, “That ain’t a knife. THIS is a knife.” Then he pulls out a knife that is huge compared to the knife the other guy is holding. It’s easy to laugh at a moment like that in a movie, but there is a lot of truth to it. I am reminded of another scene in another movie where I think it was Harrison Ford whose character finds himself being threatened by a man with a knife. The man starts swinging it around and showing just how versed he is with his weapon. Harrison Ford’s character rolls his eyes, pulls out his gun and shoots him. (I’m pretty sure it was a Raiders of the Lost Arc movie.) Another scene that’s easy to laugh at, but holds again, another truth to it. The fact of the matter is, you don’t want to get into a battle where you are unmatched. We like to say there are “rules” to fighting, and that we are “civilized” but are we really? Just because we don’t do this or that but still do something else, that somehow makes it better or ok? How does that work, exactly? Why isn’t anyone demanding that jet fighters and submarines be banned and grounded? Why is ANYONE making nuclear bombs? Think about it. We say, “Oh we need those for the military. We need those to protect ourselves.” Well, isn’t owning a gun the same thing? The only difference is who we are giving the power to protect us. And let me remind you, that collateral damage is a very real acceptance in any government when it comes to war. We are nothing to them as long as they win, and “protect” more innocent people than they actually kill. On our side, that is. Killing masses of THEIR people who are equally innocent is of no consequence. Remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Do you really think all those people actually deserved to die? And to think that this was really just a “show of force.”   They COULD have chosen cities that were far more populated. So, I guess that makes it ok. But….what about saving JUST ONE innocent life?

I love how those who would like to take away everyone’s guns get on TV and queue the tears and tell us how if they could just save ONE life, it would be worth it. REALLY?   Then you turn around and authorize a drone to attack somewhere else, with no regard to ANY innocent lives whatsoever that may be lost in the process? Or tell women it’s okay to abort a baby just days before it’s born or even in the birth canal? People are a bunch of hypocrites, that all I can say about that. Anyone who has ever played a game of chess knows that the pawns are expendable, and often times all the pieces except the King and Queen are. Yet they want to act like they don’t understand how wars are fought or how crime is fought, or understand that at any time on any given day, they may very well be that pawn. I would really like to know what makes them think they are so special that something like that could not ever happen to them. We are a spoiled nation, and for the most part, a pretty safe one; but we are by no means immune to becoming a victim to anyone or any other country just because we have bought into this ideology that we are somehow special and therefore immune. That’s not crazy talk, it’s not conspiracy theory. It’s reality. Ask anyone who has ever been if victim if they ever thought it would happen to them, and guess what their answer will be.

I have had one friend on Facebook say, “Your prayers don’t mean sh*t! We need gun control.” Or another who said that prayers and thoughts for the innocent victims and families do nothing, and so they think the guns should be taken from everyone and offer THEM prayers and thoughts for the loss of their guns.

I get it. When you have lost someone, and you are hurting, there is very little that will console you. But let’s be objective here a minute. Do you really believe that just because a person does not want to give up their guns that they just don’t care? The two are not synonymous, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work that way. In fact, it’s because they DO care and want to protect themselves and our country that they want to KEEP their guns and be able to carry and use them if needed. Have you ever noticed that most of these attacks seem to happen in “gun free zones?” Why do you think that is? I mean, seriously. You don’t see some guy going onto a military base and shooting up people do ya? Why? Because they know that most likely those people all have guns, know how to use them, and they’d be dead meat! Conversely, these shooters also know that the chances of their success, survival, and killing the most people to make their “mark” in the world are FAR greater in a gun free zone.

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And as for prayer, there is scientific evidence that it DOES work, and there are documented miracles as well.  People who think God is like a genie in a bottle and that prayer works the same way are just being flat out ridiculous.  It doesn’t work that way.  And while any of us would love to see the starving fed, and diseases eradicated, and all those other wonderful things, we need to remember that sin has consequences even unto many generations later.  And while God may be ultimately in control, this world belongs to the evil one right now.  Remember when he told Jesus he would give him the world if Jesus would just bow down and worship him?  Well, he wasn’t offering up anything he didn’t have to give.  This is a fallen world that belongs to him.  And if one actually read a Bible they would understand that even in cases where the prayers were answered, it took a while, because the angels God sent were being blocked by demons and they had to fight their way through.  They would also understand more importantly that following God’s laws are where the blessings come from.  We are entitled to nothing, and we are not like God.  Who do we think we are to question God or challenge what God says is best?  It’s that same old lie that gets us into trouble every time…you shall be like God.   And we take a bit of that apple anyway.   But hey, that’s just religious gobblety-gook, right?  Anyone who believes that stuff has to be at the very least naïve or an idiot, if not crazy right?  And yet people will believe in karma, astrology, and worship anything under and including the sun, as long as it’s not God.  I mean, there’s no proof of a big bang anywhere, nor is there proof of evolution.  They are all just theories.  They even tell you they are theories.  But because some guys in white coats with initials after their names said it, it must be true, right?  Seems to me it takes just as much faith to believe those things as it does to believe in God and the Bible.   And why is it that all people seem to have within them this desire to worship…something?  Or is it a desire to worship God that went wrong somewhere along the line?  But hey, I get it.  That’s crazy talk.

Well, if you prefer the scientific explanation for it all; how bout this?  I think I learned this in Junior High and it’s pretty basic science.  “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”  That’s pretty easy, right.  How bout this?  “Garbage in, garbage out.”  Take your pick.  I don’t think I need to keep going to get my point across here. When you allow schools and science and those around you to tell you that God isn’t real, and all the stories in the Bible are not history, but a myth; what do you really think the outcome is going to be? When people are basically being told there are no consequences for their actions whether from God or from the teacher, or anyone else; what is their incentive to be good? Just for the sake of being good?   That isn’t going to happen. Give a child a trophy just for “participating.” What do they learn? They sure don’t learn that they have to be good to earn anything. They in fact, learn entitlement. Add to that parents who give a child whatever they want if they just throw a fit. What happens when that child encounters a situation where pouting and throwing a fit doesn’t work? They up the ante, that’s what! All the while behaving worse and worse to get what they want, because that has worked for them in the past, and they were rewarded for it! Add to that parents who won’t discipline their children and teachers who aren’t allowed to. What does that teach them? Just more of the same. There are no consequences to their actions, one way or the other. They should be allowed to do what they want and be rewarded with whatever they want, whenever they want. Whether their actions warrant it or not.   Add to that the large population of parents who are abusive and/or uninvolved whatsoever in their children’s lives.   Add to that criminals who are given chance after chance to keep on committing crimes, with no real sense of justice whatsoever. Add to that misogynist music like rap, that teaches kids that it’s okay to call women whores and bitches and basically a lack of respect for not only women, but people in general. Songs like F*ck the Police, and that a gangster life or life of crime is somehow glamorous. Add to that movies and video games that do the same thing. Add to that the mental health epidemic and all those who have problems and can’t get help for it. Even people with insurance have very limited mental health benefits, and even if they do, can’t afford it. Hospitals turn people back out on the street because they don’t have the room or the money to keep them. That’s what is wrong here. Not the fact that guns exist. And it’s THESE are the people who are committing these horrible crimes. Not your law abiding citizens who just want to protect themselves, their families, and their country. But it’s the law abiding citizens who will be the only ones who end up losing anything. Not the criminals. They are criminals and will never give up anything. They take, they lie, they steal. That’s WHAT. THEY. DO. Passing some stupid law fixes nothing.   They have no respect or regard for the law! And those law abiding people who have guns and just might save your life one day? They can’t do it. Because too many people bought into the lies they were told.

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No, my prayers may not mean sh*t to a person who has no belief in God, right and wrong, morals, or anything else a Christian stands for; but that is not the fault of the Christian. Nor does it warrant an attack on them or what they believe and stand for.   Because I guarantee you, what they believe and stand for is far better than what most people do. Whether they want to acknowledge it or not, that’s the truth of it. Trying to call Christians crazy and make them out to be bigots, haters, and evil is just plain hypocrisy. It’s the equivalent of a four year old throwing a fit and demanding to be able to do whatever they want. Then they turn around and blame them when the world has gone to hell and fallen apart; and don’t they understand why. They fail to see how one bad apple spoils the bunch. They fail to look at how what one seemingly innocuous act ends up being a catalyst for even worse things later on down the road. They just do not get it, nor do they want to. They don’t see how having pasta laden with heavy cream and other foods full of trans fats for supper every night can be all that bad. But over time, they end up fat, then sick, then on the verge of death.   Then they want to turn around and blame the fork for everything they did to themselves. Just like a four year old. God forbid they recognize that they themselves made poor decisions and take responsibility for their own actions! NO! We need to take away the forks and knives from everybody because look what’s happening! It sounds ridiculous right? But it’s the same thing with guns. The only difference is that a gun is a more efficient weapon for killing a person if it isn’t used properly. But a fork and knife are a weapon that kill far more people every year than guns do; they just aren’t as efficient. They aren’t as messy, violent, or obvious as a gun is. And if a person used a knife as a weapon to kill another person, (or even a fork) don’t think for one minute that it’s not as dangerous, messy, or violent. You just have to get a little closer to the person to do it. With a knife, they just have to be in throwing range. And if you have a vest that will hold several knives and you are trained with them you could easily kill a lot of people in a very short amount of time. Knives can be a very real threat, even to a person with a gun. Don’t fool yourselves. I wonder if they will try to ban those next when taking the guns doesn’t work? But here again, the guns are indeed a far more effective weapon in most cases.

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And let me tell you, they have found plenty of evidence that the stories in the Bible are true and that many of those things happened. A man has found two monuments on both sides of the Red Sea that clearly point out where the Israelites crossed; with old chariots buried deep beneath the water. They have found Noah’s Arc. And just so you know, there is more than one account of the great flood that’s found in the Bible. Look up the Epic of Gilgamesh if you don’t believe me. Sound familiar? Only the names have changed, but the story remains the same. The people that live in the area of what used to be Sodom and Gomorrah? They know exactly where the pillar of salt is that used to be Lot’s wife. Not only that, but they have found the ruins of these cities and all the remains of balls of sulfur that fell from the sky. They have found so much evidence that supports the fact that the Bible is not just full of myths, but truths of actual history, it isn’t even funny. They have even found remains of giants, but keep that carefully hidden away from the general population, too. I could go on and on. But no one really wants to talk about that, and I have to wonder why. My guess is that there are a bunch of people out there acting like four year olds who believe that no one is going to tell them they can’t do exactly what they want. No one is going to tell them that there is a God and that there is in fact a price to pay for all the wrong you do. They have rationalized and reason all their “sins” away and believe God isn’t real. What a shame. But, guess what? That doesn’t change a thing. Truth will always be truth, whether you want to recognize it, or ignore it, or hide it under a rug. There are consequences to raising a society of people who have never learned self-control. There are consequences to raising a society of people who have never learned to comfort themselves. There are consequences to raising a society of people who have never been taught to problem solve and work through their issues. There are consequences to raising a society where children are not allowed to fail and learn from those failures. And there are consequences to raising a society of people who believe God and Jesus are just a myth.

There are also consequences to raising up societies who do not understand that “big city life” has left many people in the dark about how the world really works, and that life is cruel and ugly sometimes and they in the city rarely have to face those things, let alone deal with them.

I used to live near Denver, and this is a prime example. I had taken my girls up there to the Art Museum and we then went to a fast food restaurant for lunch. As I was a vegan at the time, I ordered a chef salad and told the young girl behind the counter that I didn’t want any meat on it. She then asked me, “Well, do you still want the bacon bits on it then?” I said, “No. That’s meat.” She looked at me dumbfounded, and then said, “ok.”

This girl, who has never lived on or near a farm or ranch, has no idea where meat even comes from! Many city folk are growing up thinking that it’s just something that you get from the grocery store and have no idea of what goes into raising beef, chickens, or sows. (To name a few.) They don’t get that a sow or a pig is the same thing as bacon. Or that hamburger comes from a cow. And what’s worse is they have no idea of what goes into keeping some animals from killing others, mother animals who will not nurse their young, or even eat them. They have no idea how cruel Mother Nature can actually be, whatsoever.

My brother had 3 goats in Montana. It was a very cold winter night. They had shelter for the goats, but the bigger one, would not let the other two into the shelter, and so they died out in the cold. They froze to death! This is reality, and this was a very hard thing for my brother to have to deal with. I think he even cried. But one thing he did not do, is place blame somewhere it didn’t belong in the matter. He learned that Mother Nature is indeed cruel, and life is ugly and messy sometimes, and you deal with it. You don’t just stick your head in the sand like an Ostrich Head and hope it will go away and/or fix itself.

We have lost chickens to coyotes, eggs to snakes, and the list goes on. Without guns to shoot these predators, these animals are helpless to protect themselves most of the time. Many ranchers in Wyoming deal with wolves going after their livestock, and yet there are many people who merrily eat their steak dinners to celebrate any and every occasion and insist that the wolves be protected and left alone at the same time. They do not see the correlation, or how backwards their thinking is.

And unfortunately, people are much like those animals too. There will always be the bigger “bully” goat that will not let the others in for shelter, or try to hog all the food from the smaller, weaker ones-even in their own clan. Mothers who will not nurse and take care of their young. (And fathers) Wolves who prey on the cattle and sheep, or coyotes that go after the chickens or even the little family dog who is someone’s pet. There will always be those who prey on the weak. And far too many people want to ignore that. They want to put on their fancy clothes, cover their stink with perfume and deodorant, hide their faces with a bunch of make up; and do everything they can to hide just how ugly they truly are. They want to call themselves “civilized” and act as if they aren’t animals at all, even though they themselves are part of the problem. And I agree in part in that we are not mere animals. God gave us brains and the ability to be self-aware and act better than the animals. But we don’t. It’s like the men who like to cheat and screw around. They say they can’t help it, that it’s just part of their DNA and animal instinct. No. It’s not. It’s an excuse. These are men who prefer not to practice self-control, have respect for women, or recognize how much they are hurting them. These are men who prey on women. They tell themselves that just because they don’t actually do a violent thing like rape them or worse, that it’s okay; but they still consider women as prey. These are men who are supposed to be capable of higher thinking than the animals. They just choose not to, and say they can’t help it, when in all reality, they can.

We as people can’t have it both ways. We can’t act like animals and then call ourselves civilized, enlightened, or evolved, just because we hide it better than the animals do.   Either we evolve, or we do not. And unfortunately, I for one know it is not time for us to say we have evolved, because we have not. Lying to ourselves or wishing it to be so changes nothing. Even demanding it changes nothing. It has to be the people’s choice, and frankly, they have little to no incentive to be better than the animals. And we can pass gun laws, or even take guns away; but it’s only putting a band aid on a severed stump. Until people choose to behave better, they will always find a way to prey on others. And that’s a fact.

So, as for me and my house, we will serve God, no matter what you call us, or think of us. And while we are at it, we will also utilize, and fight for, our right to keep and bear arms. Because whether the predatory animal in front of us be the wolf in the pasture, or the men in their fancy suits who are in our government/mafia or other criminal organizations; or the men in hoodies and face masks hiding in the alley or in our schools; we have two choices.  Get beat up; or fight back. So far, what we are doing is just get beat up, and even killed. I for one believe it’s just better to have a gun and not need it than to need one and not have it. It’s better have protection and to be able to protect your family and what’s yours if you need to. And it’s better to take a gun to a knife fight than to take a knife to a gun fight. That’s just common sense. And any good Boy Scout will tell you, “Be prepared.”

Solving the Missing 411 Puzzle

I like to watch videos on YouTube in my down time at work, or on my commute to and from work; which is well over an hour one way.  I am often drawn to mysterious or unexplainable phenomena.   Yesterday, I watched a video in where this man, David Paulides, and his books and movie were mentioned.  He has written books called Missing 411, and it is now also a movie.   I have not read the books, and can’t honestly say that I feel I have time for it right now, but they will definitely be on my list of well…probably over 100…books I would like to read!   But, I have watched about 6 video interviews and lectures he has given on YouTube.  Maybe more.  I first listened to a video on my drive home from work a couple of days ago.  And when I returned home, I listened to more until I actually could not stay awake any more, and fell asleep during one!   The next morning, I rewound the video back to a point I could last remember and kept listening on my way to work, and then watched more at lunch, etc.  It was slow at work today, so I was able to sit at my desk with my phone and my earbuds, and just listen.   Some of them would have a Q & A segment towards the end, and people have posed some very interesting theories as to what they think have happened.  But I never heard this one posed, and so I started looking into this on my own.

If you have never heard of David Paulides and/or Missing 411, you are probably wondering what I am talking about; so I will give you the condensed version, as I understand it from his lectures and interviews.  As I stated before, I have not read any of his books.  There may well be more information provided in them; but I do not have time or access to and for them right now.  Though, undoubtedly, they are page turners!

David Paulides was a police officer in the Bay Area of CA for about 20 years.  He earned his Master’s degree from the University of San Francisco, so is by no means unintelligent.  He has also been on searches for Big Foot, or Yeti; and claims to have seen one.  He was in a National Park doing some research and he noticed there were a couple of rangers that seemed to be following him around.  That evening, when he had gone to a lodge outside of the park for the night, he hears a knock at his door.  It’s one of two rangers, who say that they had heard of him before and read some of his work, and that they thought there was something he should look into.  So, David invites the ranger in, and the ranger tells him that he and his friend had both worked in various National Parks over the previous 15-20 years and that they had both worked missing person cases on the park properties and that in talking to each other, had discovered some eerily similar things.  They both thought that the people had disappeared in areas that were a little odd, and during the first 7 to 10 days, there was a lot of media attention and a lot of people and resources poured into the disappearances; but after that 7-10 days, there was nothing done.   He told David that there were even times when they had tried to follow up on cases or get reports, and were stone walled, etc., and they couldn’t find any information.  He said that they were concerned because of the numbers of people that were disappearing and what they thought was the lack of follow up and research into what had happened and they thought something ought to be done.

The next day, David calls a couple of his buddies and asks them if they can check into this matter; and a couple of hours later, he gets a call back and they tell him that there is something to it.   That there are a lot of people missing from National Park areas.

A short period after that, David files a petition through the Freedom of Information Act to get a list of all the people who had disappeared specifically from Yosemite National Park and from their jurisdiction.   A while later, he gets a call from an attorney wanting to know why he wanted the information.  (Which they are not supposed to use the reason you want the information as a determinate as to whether or not they will give you the information.)  David tells him that he knows this, and he is told that they are just curious.  So, he tells the attorney that he is just doing research.   The attorney tells him that they don’t have any lists.  (Which is odd that federally trained officers are not keeping track of any missing persons from the parks-not to mention a bit inept or careless, in my opinion.)  So, he resubmits a request thinking that maybe they are just playing a semantics game with him, and again, he is told the same thing from the same attorney.  So, he tells the attorney that he is going to use his exemption as an author to get the information.  The attorney says that he will get back to him, and calls him back later and tells him that his books aren’t in enough libraries for him to qualify for the exemptions.  So, David tells him that this is not part of the FOIA, and the attorney tells him that it’s their internal policy.  So, David says he will pay for the information and he would like a quote.  The first being for a list of missing people from Yosemite National Park, and then a quote for the entire jurisdiction.    He gets a call from a regional person with FOIA in Denver, and she tells David that for the list of missing persons from Yosemite, it will cost $34,000; and for the entire jurisdiction, it would be $1.4 million.

At this point, David definitely feels like there is something wrong, and he doesn’t have that kind of money.  He is more driven than ever, and begins his journey to obtain as much information as possible regarding these missing person cases.  He has never received the lists from the National Park Service to this day, even after more filing requests and even appeals.    Remarkably, the amount of information he has gotten through various channels, like interviewing other park rangers, families of the missing persons, press that had written about the cases, etc., has been astonishing.  But more astonishing is what he has found.

After David ruled out cases with things like mental illness, people who may have purposely disappeared, and evidence of animal or human predation; he was still left with a ton of cases that he had no idea what to do with, and they had some amazingly coincidental circumstances surrounding them.

One thing that he noticed, was that there seemed to be some distinct clusters of disappearances in a lot of areas.   In fact, not all, but MOST of these have occurred in clusters.  These clusters seem to be in mountainous areas along the west coast, the Rocky Mountains, Smoky Mountains, around the Great Lakes, and the northern pan handle of the country.   And nothing in the middle of the country.  (See map below.)

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The people who disappeared were not alone, and disappeared in what many would describe as the blink of an eye.  There one moment.   Gone the next.   He said that these people could be small children, as young as two years old, who would disappear, be gone for a while, and then reappear somewhere else, with their clothes and/or shoes missing, or clothes that are tattered and torn, or now on backwards.   They may be dead or alive, but if they are alive, they will always be unconscious or semi-conscious, with no memory of what happened to them at all.  Search dogs would find no sent, but rather walk around in a circle and lie down.  Trackers find no prints or any traces of even which direction they could have gone.   No clues, no nothing.  Just gone.  Many will never be seen or heard from again.  David says there is another commonality, in that there almost always seems to be a body of water involved.  Many who disappear are near water when they disappear, and the ones who are found later are either in, or near, water.   And often, right after the disappearance, there would be a rain or snow storm.  (Which would explain why no tracks are being found in those cases.)

He tells some amazing stories.  A two year old child who disappears and is found later 12 miles away.  (Why were they searching 12 miles away?)  Small children who are found a substantial distance away from where they disappeared, and there is no possible way any one can determine that a child could hike or even run these distances in the allotted time they were gone.  In all cases, they were missing clothes and/or shoes, or their clothes were tattered and torn, or on backwards, etc.   (There were a couple of stories where the persons were found dead with their pants at their knees or feet.)  People who were found in water were never found to have drowned as the cause of death, and in many, many cases, the cause of death was simply unknown.

There is one case where a man disappears near a lake in Michigan, and they are actually able to find his skis and backpack at the edge of the lake.  The lake is frozen over, and they see tracks going out on to the lake.   But they just stop.  They decide he must have fallen through the ice and drown and he’s considered dead.  Fifteen months later, he knocks on his father’s door in Pennsylvania; reporting that he woke up on a field not far from there in someone else’s clothes, and had no recollection of where he had been or what happened to him.  He was also found to have had a small knapsack containing maps and a few other things that he also stated were not his.   He later went back to college and got a degree in psychology.  When he was asked if he would ever seek psychiatric counselling he told them he saw no reason to, because nothing was wrong with him.

I personally don’t know what to think of this particular case, but am leaning towards this guy deciding to take some time off from the realities of life for a while.  I am not sure how you explain his tracks disappearing on top of the lake, though.  Maybe he fell through and managed to resurface somewhere else and then started hitchhiking across America.  It’s hard to say.  I just find it really “suspicious” that he has all these maps and says they aren’t his.  And, as I understand it, he has gone into psychotherapy of some kind, and that says to me, he is trying to find out what is wrong with him or what happened to him on his own, but he ain’t talkin’ about it.   He says he doesn’t need any psycho-therapeutic help because there is nothing wrong with him, but he gets his degree in it and it becomes his line of work.  I don’t know.  It definitely falls into the weird category though and is fitting for David’s book/s.

In another video regarding disappearances in cities,  David finds that there still seems to be bodies of water involved, as far as where they are found; but now we are looking at victims who are usually in their late teens or in their twenties, often college students, and have some kind of religious connection.  Many of them were going to a Christian college.  He also found what seemed to be a German connection.  Names that were German, they were studying German, spoke German, things like that.   And, there are calls made to or from their phones right before they disappear.  ( I see a picture in my head from the movie The Matrix, where they make calls and are transported to a different place!)

One young lady, who lived in Canada was visiting California and staying at this hotel with a whole lot of bad juju associated with it.  I mean, a bunch of suicides, murders, and just really bad stuff.   This gal, is caught on camera getting into an elevator and then backing away towards the corner as if she is afraid.  She peeks out the door and starts pushing buttons but the door won’t close.  She peeks out and then leaves the elevator and is never seen alive again.  This motel has four very large tanks of water on the roof.  Access to the roof is locked, the tanks are locked, and there is an alarm system.  I don’t remember how much time goes by, but there is an issue with water pressure in the motel, so the maintenance man goes up on the roof, gets his ladder, climbs up and opens this tank to find this gal floating inside of it.  The weird part?  There’s no opening big enough for her to have gotten in it.  They actually had to cut her out of it.  Then the coroner says there is not enough blood in her body to do a tox screen.  Get that?  Her body has no blood in it and she has no wounds other than a scratch on one of her knees.  Her phone, which she always had on her, was never found.

Another man who disappeared was on the phone with his wife, who was on her way to pick him up, and only less than a minute away.  He says he might lose her, and the phone goes dead.  Her husband is never seen again, but his phone is found smashed to smithereens.

One guy calls a friend and says he is in a field and the phone went dead.   Calls back and the friend hears what sounds like either heavy breathing or wind; he isn’t quite sure.  A total of four calls are made and dropped before he disappeared.  There was another guy who disappeared and a call was made to 911 for one second and then dropped.

During the Q & A segments, there are many speculations by people as to what is happening here.   Many of these people are 100% convinced that their theory is correct.  Some think it’s the Yeti, some think is aliens, some think it’s demonic.   One guy said he worked for a news show on Sunday nights and that all coroners, etc are actually FBI or CIA and plants meant to keep people from finding out what is really happening. (That wouldn’t surprise me a bit.)   He believed there was an issue with the water and contamination/disease and that these people were disappearing as part of a test regarding water contamination.    The gal found in the water tank atop the motel was named Elisa Lam.  About the time she disappeared, there was an outbreak of TB, and the CDC was going to start doing Lam-Elisa tests to see how widespread the outbreak had been.  I honestly don’t know if the gal who disappeared spelled her name the same way, but it was pronounced the same, only reversed, regardless.

One man who’s son disappeared, was approached by a couple and their kids and asked if they could all play together and the man agrees.  The kids start playing hide and seek and the woman tells him that their last name is Martin.  That’s the same last name as the man and his son.   Of course, Martin isn’t an especially rare name.  If they all had the last name Jingle-Heimer-Schmidt, I might be a little more freaked out, but I do find it interesting nevertheless.

Anyway, I by no means have heard all of the theories people may have suggested, but this is what I have found so far.  For whatever reason, I kept looking at this map that was put on during one of the videos.   I began to wonder where the ley lines across the united states were.  I had heard some strange things about ley lines and how a lot of ancient structures seemed to have been purposely built on top of them, and things like that.   That search was a mess.  Those ley lines are everywhere and I don’t know how anyone even keeps track of them!

But then, on a fluke, I saw this map, and I thought it looked rather similar to David’s map of clusters of disappeared persons.

Image result for map of vortexes in the united states

It’s obviously not an exact match, but it was close enough to get my attention.  I started looking up vortexes.  I found a lot of references to what seem to be major ones or more well known ones, such as the four around Sedona, AZ; Mount Shasta, CA, the Oregon Vortex near Gold Hill, OR; and Joshua Tree CA.  I began to wonder if there were other vortexes that were not on this map.  Indeed there were.  This site tells us there are vortexes in Arizona, Arkansas, California, Florida, Gerogia, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Michigan, Nevada, New jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, TX, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, and the Bermuda Triangle.  (http://vortexhunters.com/vortexmap_usa.html)

I begin to find more matches and continue my search.  This site lists places like Crater Lake, and Mount Shasta, which I had heard David mention.   They say on this site that Crater Lake is where chiefs of the under world and the above world had a battle; and they say Mount Shasta was once part of the Pacific Ring of Fire, and that the Buddhists believe it is one of the seven sacred mountains of the world.  It lists the top 10 vacation spots for spiritual vortexes and sacred sites.  Those being, Cohokia Mounds, St. Louis, MO; Crater Lake, Medord, OR; Mount Shasta, Mt. Shasta, CA; New Orleans, LA; Ringing Rocks Sate Park, Upper Black Eddy, PA; Asheville, NC; Taos, NM; Americas Stonehenge, Salem, NH; Devils Tower, Crook County, WY; and White Sands, Tularosa Basin, NM.    (http://www.astrochicks.com/2017/10/04/top-10-vacation-spots-for-spiritual-vortexes-and-sacred-sites-in-the-usa/)  Definitely some interesting things here.  I am a Wyoming girl, and I will say, that Devil’s Tower from an aerial view, is insane!  It looks like a giant tree stump that was cut down long ago by giants!  I have hiked around the base of it before, and I have to say, there was at the least a feeling of awe as the group ambled around it.

This sight includes  the Cosmos Mystery information in South Dakota, and I have been there.  If I had not seen these things with my own eyes…but I am a true believer now.  Although I think the ball rolling uphill could be explained much like water will travel uphill, as long as the whole terrain itself is actually downhill, there is something that is definitely different about that place.  vortexmaps.com/pdfs/5-active-in-us.pdf

I am beginning to put more dots on my own vortex map now mentally, and I have to wonder; is there something here?  Vortices are not necessarily the field of the whack job.  There is scientific data to support that these things are real, and do exist in many places on the planet.   In fact, probably the most famous vortex, you have probably heard of; the Bermuda Triangle.  There are many stories of ships and people disappearing here and are never seen again.   Other’s report disorientation, compasses that stop working or go haywire, watches that stop working, and loss of time.  It is a place shrouded in mystery and no one has ever been able to fully explain what happens here or in many other places around the world.

It seems that most of my research online surrounding vortices comes from people who are of a spiritual inclination.  They believe in the supernatural and are open to the idea of supernatural experiences in these places.  In fact, they are most likely hoping for them!  However, you don’t see the stories about all the people who are disappearing from any of these places.  That kind of takes the fun out of it, doncha think?

I then begin to think about the disappearances from cities, and begin to search and see if there are vortices in cities too.  I do find those who insist there are, and even a found a video where a woman named Starfire Tor (is that her real name?) and she insists that time travelling is happening and that there can be blurring and blending of realities at times.  https://youtu.be/ly_UAZ16QjQ.   She is not the only one talking about time travelling and travelers these days, either.  And, all these people state that with quantum physics and such, other realities are in fact, well, a reality.   Some say that they have determined there are at least 26 of them and maybe more.  Others say the number is infinite.  That there’s really only two scenarios regarding alternate realities or universes.  I would lean towards this one.  That there is an alternate universe for every decision you make, in which that decision is played out based on the decision.  You meet a guy, and there is a universe where you marry him, and a universe where you don’t.  A universe where you have kids, and a universe where you don’t.  So, the number of alternate realities would actually be infinite.  The other main theory isn’t like that, but it’s been so long since I heard about them, that I can’t remember how it goes.  The one I just described seemed to make more sense to me, and I am sure that’s the only reason why I remember it!

The point is, that there are many scientists who support the idea of time travel, in fact many try to solve the problem of how to do it!   This Starfire lady said something that I thought was actually a little profound.  At some point, time travel will be invented, and so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t be coming back in time now.  That made me think a minute.  With the exponential rate science and technology is moving now, time travel may very well be invented or solved at some point in the future.   Those in the Tin Hat Club would say it already has been by the government, and they want it kept a secret.  And I am not knocking the Tin Hat Club, as I would probably be a member!

So, say this is true.  Say that time machines have been invented by the government, and they are hiding it from us.  It wouldn’t be the first time they have hidden things from us or outright lied about things.  We know that they were playing around with this stuff way back in the 1940’s in the Philadelphia Experiment or Project Montauk.  Or should I say ALLEGED Philadelphia Experiment and ALLEGED Project Montauk?  haha  But governments do this kind of stuff.   Even Hitler was trying to figure out time travel and other things like invent his own type of UFO, and it’s no secret.   This brings to mind the German connection.  Did any of these people have ancestors tied to Hitler and his army?

So, we have all these huge areas in the United States, thousands and thousands of acres, owned and run by the US government, staffed by US government personnel, and it also generates a LOT of revenue for the government as well.  Even if the time travelling thing is off, that does not mean the vortices are not there, and that for some reason, it is causing unexplained phenomena, and that the government just cannot explain it.  And, I would venture to say that as far as the parks go, this is exactly why they made them parks, and why they want control over these areas.  They know they can’t explain what is happening, or maybe they can, but they don’t want us knowing that not only are a bunch of people disappearing all the time, but they are disappearing under supernatural conditions that cannot be explained!  There is no liability for them and/or any duty to protect us while we are in the parks over and above what they are already doing, and they don’t want to lose any of that revenue.  So, they are being very tight lipped about these things, giving out little to no information, and I am sure right now, hoping that David goes away!

I don’t understand what it is about vortices or what they can or cannot do.  I don’t know that there is really a spiritual connection with them, but it does seem plausible.   Which would open up a whole new can of worms.

But I do think that when you lay the two maps over each other with the other vortices I have found, they are extremely similar, with exception to Florida.  And that could merely be because the iron or other properties of the rocks in these more mountainous areas create a more conducive environment for whatever is causing these disappearances.   The Bermuda Triangle is nothing but water.  But we also know there is a connection to water with these cases, and these disappearances in the parks are happening at a far greater rate than in the triangle.

I think this could very well explain how a person would or could disappear in a place and end up somewhere else, even a tank that there is no physical way you could get into.  Because it isn’t physical.  It’s metaphysical.  Now, your body being completely drained of blood?  That implies something far more sinister; and/or spiritual, in fact.  I have to wonder if there weren’t others that the coroners just aren’t reporting.  Cases where the blood did not settle in any part of the body after death…is that because there wasn’t really any blood to settle?

Regardless, there are far more questions than answers no matter what theories a person puts forward; including myself.  David has his work cut out for him, if he is to solve this puzzle, and there are many who want to try and solve it with him.  Except the parks commission, that is.

I find it disconcerting that the parks are saying they don’t even have a list of missing persons from the parks.  I also have to wonder just how safe they are.  As a woman who has often hiked alone, I have to re-think the matter now and if it’s a good idea.  I often carry a weapon, but I am not completely convinced this is going to protect me from anything.  Given that places like the Rocky Mountains, Wyoming, and Montana, are open carry states and many people have concealed carry licenses, I would venture to guess that at least some of the people who disappeared were indeed packing a weapon.  But this is not something I have the answer to.  David might have said in one of his books, and until I get a chance to read any of them, or hear an interview where he discloses this information, I won’t know.

That being said, I would leave you with this note.  David recommends that no one goes into National Parks with out weapons, and a personal locator beacon on their persons.   The message here is definitely to be safe.

Maybe you have ideas or would like to start trying to solve this puzzle too.  In that case, I would say I would love your comments and feed back; and of course, happy hunting!