Captain’s Blog

Star Date 170125                        

Number One overslept today, and despite this occurrence, she still managed to make it to work on time.  Apparently I was not the only one amazed by this-she was shocked too.  This human of mine rarely ceases to amaze me though.   I like to lie on the bed where she slept (because it’s warm, duh) and watch her scurry about in the mornings.  She always says weird things to me, too.  Like today, it was something about her jeans feeling tight and blowing up a balloon?  I have no idea.  [shrug]

Anyway we have been having trouble with our communications devices for a week now, and Lt. Uhura is out on maternity leave-I know, at 82 years old it’s baffling, but we live in the future, so, BONUS!  That meant that Number one was stuck dealing with the idiots on planet We Don’t Know What We’re Doing today.  This planet is very friendly on the surface, but the life forms there are not genuinely interested in you at all.  Everything they say to you is read.  It is a strange phenomenon.  You cannot have an actual conversation with the life forms there, yet they read to you as if you are…strange indeed.  We did a scan from the ship and because of the noxious gases, decided it was best not to beam down.  Number one would find a suitable communication device to contact a life form on the planet from there.

She called from her office phone two or three days last week, and they told her the tower was being repaired and it would be fixed by later that day.  You can imaging how mad she was when she went in on Monday, or yesterday, or today!   When she still couldn’t watch videos or stream her favorite radio station to drown out the annoying chatter that comes from the girl who sits next to her, she was getting more and more agitated by the day.  I seriously think she’s about to lose her sh*t, folks, really.  That girl will NOT shut up and drives Number One crazy-and after a week of not being able to block her out with some YouTube or Something like that…that girl better watch out.  She’s not lucky like we dogs are.  When another dog sticks his nose where it don’t belong we growl and attack.  Which is very much what Number One wants to do-but she can’t cuz she’s a humanoid.

I think Number One took it out on the people on planet WDKWWD today, which is lucky for that girl.  Cuz she was hoppin’ mad and she didn’t care who knew it.  She said it’s cuz the gal from planet WDKWWD was saying there’s no problem with any tower and never has been and there is no reason why the communication devices should not work.  That was the WROOOOOONG thing to say to Number One!

“Ok, so obviously you don’t know what you are doing, or the lady I spoke to last week and called a repair man on another line while I waited and INSISTED from him that he give her a TIME that they would have the tower fixed was just putting on a really great act for me.  You get a supervisor on the phone right now, I am DONE playing games with you people!

I think the lady at WDKWWD wanted to get snotty with Number One, but Number One wasn’t having any of that!  I guess the lady said something to the effect of “Since you put it like that.”   But Number One didn’t even let her finish her sentence.

“I am done talking to you. Don’t you say another word and put a supervisor on the phone this minute.”

“Bu-”

“I’m done with you.  Get a supervisor, NOW!”

Enter left stage supervisor number 9 who is just as much an idiot as everyone else Number One has spoken to and equally difficult to understand.

“Why can’t you just stinking TALK to me!?!”  She blurts!  “Quit reading me stuff!”

“Well Ms. there is no problem with any of the towers near your location.  Are you in an enclosed area?”

“You are KIDDING me right now?   Right?”  She screamed.

Next he wanted to know how the weather was and Oh Dear did he get an ear full about how he was NOT listening to her.

“Stop talking and listen to me.  I am going to say this slowly and as simply as I can.  NOTHING has changed in my environment in the last week.  Everything is the same.  Everything worked great until a week ago.  Now, it RARELY works, and there are other people in this office who are having the same problem.  You want to keep insisting that there is nothing wrong with a tower? ”

“I cannot say why anyone else is having trouble, and we do not guarantee that your communication device will work in any buildings.”

“So, that’s a yes.  You DO want to keep insisting there is nothing wrong with the tower.  Fine.  So, why did not just one, but two people I talked to last week tell me it was a problem with a tower, and that the problem would be fixed by the end of that day.  Now you are saying there is not now and never was?”  Are your employees not properly trained or are they just stupid.

“Well, there is one down, but it’s not the closest one to you, and they probably just entered in your galaxy but not your planet, thinking that was the problem, but it wasn’t.  That tower should not have affected your device.”

“So, what you’re sayin’ is y’all are stupid.”  Number one interjected.  “And I need to find a new provider.”  She said in a growl and slammed down the phone.

At this point, Nosy Nelly decides to share her two cents worth about the whole situation, because NO conversation held within four feet of her desk is allowed to go on without her interjecting herself into it- and giving her two cents.  Like anyone wants her damn pennies.  Number One sure doesn’t.  Number One wants to tell her to mind her own business, but Number One doesn’t.  I think it must be very hard to be human.

When she got off work she had to stop at the store and pick up a few things for her lunches the rest of the week.  She said she is trying to make better choices and bought this stuff called SALAD.

I asked her how you humans can eat that stuff.

She said that’s partly why she’s cranky.

Luckily, there was some scrumptious fried chicken in the mess waiting for her when she got home.  This seemed to cheer her up quite a bit.  Of course, talking to me always does too.  I really do think she is as happy to see me when she gets home, as I am to see her!  She even gave me two spoons of peanut butter to lick off of tonight, instead of just one!  Those are the best nights.

Yep, it’s the little things.  She got some chicken and I got some peanut butter and we are both sleepy and content-ready for a good night’s sleep.

So, we have explored the strange new world of WDKWWD, and have decided there is no intelligent life on this planet.  We will continue our journey tomorrow, because our mission to explore strange new worlds, and seek out new life and new civilizations goes on…and this is the final frontier.

Captain Call, signing off.