I left my last entry stating that I should have called him as an adult and had that talk with him. That he deserved it. “Hell, I deserved it too.”
The important part of that statement is that I deserved it too. Mostly likely, while he deserved some truth and may or may not have needed to clear anything up with me; I owed it to myself to have done this. I call it MY pedestal instead of THE pedestal, because it is indeed mine. By all rights, the only person who should really be there is myself. I should be my own sun in my universe and all that. But more importantly, if I was “hung up” in some way by the past, or this past relationship, and the door was open to have a discussion with someone about it…I should have done that. All too often in life we never get that chance! A chance to say, “Hey, I’m really sorry about that, I was immature and had a lot of growing up to do.” Or, a chance to ask, “Hey, remember that day? I was just wondering if you might be willing to share with me what was really going on with you because I was hurt by that and I still wonder about it today.” I did not do that! And so, I have had to come to terms with a lot of it and piece things together on my own. There is more to the story of course than just these couple of interactions. The bottom line was that over time it did become apparent that he did not APPEAR to think of me as anyone special…not like I did him. And that was all I had to go on.
That came to pass over a hurtful situation where I had gone to a lot of time and effort to send him some packages while he was over seas on a military assignment. Granted, the packages were not merely for him, but his buddies as well. However, the main theme here was “him.” I had put what I thought was a lot of time and effort into these, but I know there were other ladies who baked their assess off, so I don’t want to sound like I did as much as they did. Truth is, I simply loathe baking. (Insert Jim Carey’s voice of the Grinch when you say, loathe, please!) But I DID bake! And let me just say this: if you are a person I have EVER baked for? Consider yourself special! Because I don’t do that for just anyone, and not that often either! Instead I sent a box full of DVDs I didn’t really watch anymore so they’d have something to do in their down time. I went to a candy store and bought specialty candies and bars and such. I knew he liked hot tea, so I shared some of my favorites with him and sent a little sticker of a football team I thought he liked…stuff like that.
Anyway, it was Christmas time, and I had sent some breads that I had baked and these candies and whatnot. He did say thank you. I don’t want it to sound like he was an ungrateful bastard, because by no means was he. One day, I was on FB and saw that he had sent a Christmas Card to this other gal. A gal I just couldn’t really bring myself to like all that much. I chatted with her some and tried to befriend her. But, I found her to be a bit superficial and she seemed to still be a bit caught up in who was popular back in high school…things like that. But hey, to each their own. I knew he was pretty good friends with her for some reason, and that was his business.
Somehow I ended writing him and wound up asking him why I never got a Christmas card, and yet this other chick did. He was very nice about it and explained that he had only had a few cards and while he did appreciate very much that I had sent him care packages and all that, he just didn’t have enough to send to everyone he would have like to send one to.
Boom! That was the moment I realized that he didn’t think of me like I did him. I tried not to be bitter about it. It was hard for a minute, because I was hurt. But, I managed to find the rational side of myself and it made perfect sense. Who was I to him? Really? He barely knew me! And the reality of the situation was that I did not send him the packages so he would like me. (Although I hoped he would as an added bonus!) I wanted to do my part to support him and the guys he was with. And I did that. At the same time, I also realized that going out of my way for someone who could not/would not reciprocate? Not the best idea. I was a single gal on a very fixed income. I spent a lot of money on things to send him, as well as postage, that most likely would have been better spent on my kids or something else. I’m not saying I should not have sent him anything. Like I said, I wanted to do my part. But I probably did not need to do as much as I did.
So, here again, because I had never bothered to have a real conversation with this man…it was my own fault. Can I really blame him? No. I can’t. He did nothing wrong, other than not live up to these expectations that he could never live up to anyway. And that was completely on me. He can read, but he can’t read my mind. The fact of the matter is that he had done everything he should have within the parameters of what could realistically be expected of him. He was polite. Always said thank you. Would chat with me at times, and was always respectful towards me. So, all in all. A pretty stand up guy. And that is how he has managed to remain on the pedestal I placed him on. It is my pedestal and I can put anyone up there I want! And it’s really quite simple, actually.
There is a pedestal, and there is a man. Whether or not he is on the pedestal, is actually completely dependent upon me. He has been there ever since I put him up there. He will stay there until I take him down. I am capable of that…I just haven’t seen any reason to, as of yet.
I have my reas0ns for that. Mostly, because I need something in this world to look at as “perfect.” Given the fact that he is a man I will never know more intimately, I will never have to know his flaws. That he may have stinky feet, bad breath, or actually has a horrible temper. (Which I doubt, but it’s possible, I suppose.) No, I can continue to remember him as perfect and keep him that way for as long as I want. I know he’s not perfect. I do. At the same time, it’s nice to lie in bed when I can’t sleep and make up my own story about how the situation might have been had he taken me back. Or how things would have been if we had reconnected on a deeper level as adults. And of course, everything is perfect. We are at the beach canoodling, or playing Scrabble at the kitchen table, and laughing at me trying desperately to make up words; and he won’t let me play them. Just him and me doing simple everyday things, but we’re extremely happy just to be in each other’s company… like when we were young. That happy and content feeling I used to have when I was with him.
When life gets stressful and ridiculous for me, I need to be able to just…think happy thoughts. And why not think happy thoughts about being happy with someone special? To me, that’s what life is about, really. Not just what you do, but who you do it with. And for me…I’m a pretty lonely gal. Problem is, I kinda like it that way too.
I was thinking about that expression:” Waiting to exhale.” I think it was a movie. It’s about how we go through life and lovers looking for that one where we can just take that deep breath and exhale. And I think about what that really means. It’s all those things they talk about. A safe place to land. A harbor of endless possibilities, but in every one of them, you know you are completely and utterly safe to be exactly who you are with no reservations. And when you don’t currently have that in your life…it’s a welcome respite…even if it’s just an embellished memory of a time when things were different.
I have thought about things, such as the reason we stopped talking when we were young. Maybe it was because he simply stopped calling. Sure, I had made up my mind I was going to end it before he could hurt me, but what if he never gave me the chance to? I just don’t recall, exactly. And being the chicken I was, it was easier for me to just not call him either. And if that was the case, then he actually was the one who blew me off as I had anticipated. Or, maybe that day we spent together and the making out we did…it was all his way of getting revenge towards me. Maybe he was hoping I would sleep with him, and since I never did, he did not see me as “girlfriend material.” Obviously, he didn’t for some reason…I just never knew why.
So, there is plenty there for me to work with in order to snap myself back into reality. But truth is…why would I want to? And what if he really is as great as I want to believe he is?? What about that?!?!
When it comes to “what might have been,” I think about this other guy I was engaged to in my early twenties. He was a tall, good looking, blonde haired, brown eyed guy. Had everything going for him. Wanted to be an electrician, but was opting to switch from the Marines (he was about to discharge) to the Army so that we would have the health care available that was needed to care for my young daughter who had extensive health problems at the time. He was also very good to me and I loved him a lot. Yet, the guilt I felt that he wasn’t going to be able to do what he really wanted and be an electrician just ate at me. So, I broke up with him. He was basically dumb founded by it, and I nothing more than numb. My dad came over to my apartment to sit with me when I told him what I had done. I suppose he thought I might need support; but I didn’t cry. It was a matter of fact decision I had made, and…that was that. ( I wouldn’t cry like I should have for a couple years.) I think the reality was, that I was just too afraid to be that vulnerable to someone.. again. Or, maybe I still did not believe I deserved something so good.
I look at his life now on Face Book. Obviously, I can’t see into the reality of his life on Face Book, but he did go on to become and electrician. He married and had a couple kids. Seems to have a great life and is very happy. I feel good about that…that he went on and did exactly what he really wanted to…And yes, there are times I think that should have been my life. But would he have been that happy with me? I found him and called him a couple times over the years. Wanting to see how he was and hoping maybe he would be available. He had called me once several months after we broke up, but I had met another guy and he was standing right there when I got the call. Couldn’t really talk, and I couldn’t get a number to call him back later. I decided it was probably better to let it go anyway. And in spite of those few contacts, it never gelled.
And I wonder why it is that I have one guy on a pedestal and not the other. I ask myself, if I had these two men standing before me and I was guaranteed that they would both love me and wanted me….who would I choose? It would always be the first. Without a doubt and no hesitation. I can’t tell you why. They are both great guys.
Obviously, that is just based on what I know of both men at this moment. Which, in all honesty, is not that much. I see only what they want me to see. I see what they put on FB for the world to see, and that’s about it. I do play a game online with my fantasy guy. We have the opportunity to chat, but he doesn’t have much to say. I make little comments from time to time, cuz that’s just what I do. He rarely responds. And it’s fine. He’s always been kind of a quiet dude. It doesn’t really bother me. I chat him up anyway, cuz I do like I do! I don’t want to start anything with him, ,but I don’t want to act any differently than I normally would either. But, it’s probably better we don’t really talk much anyway. Not that anything would happen…cuz, yeah….that’s so unlikely. But you know, he is married. He probably shouldn’t be getting too chummy with his gal pals.
The funny thing is, in person, I am actually pretty quiet, too. He and I would most likely have nothing to say to each other! Or maybe he would be more talkative once he was around me more. Who knows…but that’s the beauty of it. I can’t really know for sure, so I get to make it up!
So, the pedestal remains. And he, upon it. The imperfect man is made perfect in this place I like to go sometimes. Simply, because sometimes, I need someplace to go.